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 The Geekery Abroad -- Chris || Post in the forum
Recently, The Geekery's very own Mazdaman went out to interview Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, or as I refer to him as "Some Guy From Iraq", and came back with some stunning results. Below is the actual transcription of the interview.
The following is the transcript of a recent conversation between one of the staff reporters here at Got the Geek (GTG) and Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, hereafter affectionately know as MSAS.
GTG: Greetings to you, Mr. Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.
MSAS: To you too. I am happy to meet with a reporter from Got the Geek, and may solicitations and thankfulness be forthcoming to readers of these words at this most fine web site. I leave the beautiful city of Baghdad where there are still no American or British soldiers to be seen and traveled to Syria where I was welcomed with open arms and kidneys. Then, when imperialist George Bush announced his displeasure of that country harboring Iraqi government officials, I eventually made my way to a secret location from where I now conduct this interview.
But, do not fret or lament over my life, for the might of the Iraqi military shall still descend upon any transgressors and weasels that invade my homeland. May they fall into Gahanna and roast succulently like a pig stuck on a spit at a barbecue!
GTG: Are you free to divulge where are you right now?
MSAS: Ah! Such is the kind of information sought by Rumsfeld and his generals who live like cockroaches in tenements! I cannot allow such facts to be said, because CNN reporters and others constantly seek my whereabouts, autograph and words. But I say this to our faithful Republican Guard soldiers: be ready to fight and repel the tree sloths that crawl away from your brave bullets and supreme danger. They run like antelopes on the steps of Russia, wildebeests on the plains of Oklahoma or buffalo in Tianamen Square. Fight for your homes and do not shave your mustaches.
GTG: WTF???
MSAS: All is well, do not worry. By the way, pictures you see of Iraq are really taken on a studio lot in Beverly Hills. Do not believe reports you see of infidel soldiers in Baghdad! Those swine shall never pass the gates of the city, as Iraqi forces shall beat them back with Russian guns, French bullets, German knives and fine leather shoes which will beat on top of their heads. They will slither away like snakes in the grass of which there is plenty growing in the sands of my country.
GTG: What ARE you talking about?
MSAS: Do you not remember the War of 1812 when Iraqi soldiers burned the White House? For nearly 200 years the descendents of those brave freedom fighters have been waiting, disguised as Dunkin’ Donut clerks, gas station attendants and grocery store owners. Now, they shall rise up against the American pigs and burn down your country! No one is safe; all will perish at the hands of true believers. Praise Allah!
GTG: Man, you are stoked. What’s that white powder under your nose?
MSAS: Imperialist penguin! You are to wash your face and use Listerine before speaking with me! Your breath is reminiscent of jackals and hyenas that dine nightly on the banks of the Tigris River, ripping the putrescent flesh off decomposing carrion. May your sister awaken from a drunken stupor and realize she has spent the night with Bill Clinton!
GTG: Getting back on track, Mr. Al-Sahaf, what are your plans for the future? Are you employable in today’s world?
MSAS: I do not understand your question. I am still Iraqi Information Minister, with an office overlooking beautiful downtown Baghdad. Look out my picture window. See, over there to the right is Saddam and his entourage holding a press conference in a small park lined with budding trees, announcing the opening of yet another playground for our children. Across the street Chemical Ali has opened a lemonade stand, while several members of our Republican guard are stopping traffic on Damascus Street to help pregnant women cross a busy intersection. Oh, and rest assured, those certainly are NOT American soldiers with guns drawn walking down both sides of the street. Life in Iraq has been blessed by Allah, and may usurpers who dare to interfere suffer at the hands of a demonic vivisectionist.
GTG: Once again, are you employable?
MSAS: You ask many questions. Back in Iraq, I mean HERE in Iraq, we have many rooms in palace basements where we ask questions, and always get answers we want. Yes, I am, how do you say, employable. I can be spokesperson for tobacco industry, convincing your populace of the many benefits of cigarette smoking. Or, perhaps cocaine industry needs someone who can present its products in a more favorable way to school children. Not to be forgotten are the used condom market, the Palestinian-Hammas bomber jacket distributorship and abbreviated flight training school enrollments, all of which require the services of an experienced media personality. But please do not ask me to speak on behalf of your defense attorney industry, as representing pond scum is not suitable to a person of my lineage.
GTG: You’re not bashful. I’ll say that!
MASA: I learned such behavior from arrogant Americans who boast as if they lived in the most powerful country in the world, but who are really cowards at heart. After all, did their soldiers not cower like frightened children only a few weeks ago as the army of Iraq breached their defenses? Did they not surrender to the Republican guard rather than fight like men? Did they not leave mountains of armaments behind rather than use them in battle?
GTG: Um, I thought the Iraqis were the ones who did those things?
MSAS: (Waving his hands in disgust and then placing them over his ears.) Argh! You espouse lies! I must now end this interview. Come back tomorrow and I may speak to you. Until then, I beseech our citizens to ignore red, white and blue colors and go about their daily business. May you eat lamb in paradise.
Ed. Note: Future meeting with al-Sahaf and our staff will be published when available.
New Weekly Poll
It's always been a problem of mine. You know, not getting enough sleep. After seeing the movie Independance Day and hearing one of the aliens make one of the scientists say, "Release me", I wasn't able to get more than 4 hours of sleep for the next two years. For the most part, however, I've gotten the whole sleep problem under control, but every now and then I seem to "forget" to go to sleep and all hell breaks lose.
I'm willing to bet that a good deal of you people reading this don't get much sleep, and are probably reading this right now when in reality you should be sleepin. (HINT: Which is pretty much every time of the day).
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