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 HIP HIP HOORAY I AM COME TO DELIVER US -- Lacerda || Post in the forum
 Submitted by A GODDAMN SMOKING PINEAPPLE*
After staring for the umpteenth time at the same front page article where TheJudge memory-rapes poor Xolik in a hilarious hijink-ish attempt to crack the gay code, I decided that I'd better get off my ass and update this misbegotten website. However, I didn't want to do any actual work, so I just looked through my writing archives (yes I have archives, you jerks) and slapped some crap together. I don't think it's ever been put on here, and I checked back to mid-2003, so if it is, eat a bag of hell. Without further ado, I present:
MY QUEST TO LEAVE ANIMALS THE HELL ALONE IN FOOD FORM
(written sometime in 2003)
While reading some little paragraph of text called "ingredients", I came to a frightening realization:
Did you know that all your favorite meats came from things that were once alive? Isn't that terrible?
Well, I for one am shocked and appalled and also thirsty. To this end, I have decided to swear off the eating of all meats for reasons of both health and morality. This update shall act as a chronicle of this dietary journey. Come with me on this journey, my online friends!
 | | I don't need friends because I have Photoshop and I don't know how to use it very well. |
My offline friends wouldn't come because they are asleep and also non-existant.
1:30 am -- I realize that while I was writing this update, I was chewing a mouthful of honey-glazed ham. I take a few moments of silent introspection to make sure I understand what I'm getting myself into before throwing my fist up in the air and yelling "SOLIDARITY FROM MEAT!" in a really angry voice. I wake my parents up and they scowl and ask why there's ham on the ceiling. I tell them it's because I'm not a corporate meat-slave anymore and they go back to bed muttering something about "rent".
1:45 am -- Is bacon really meat? Is it though? I mean really? It just looks like some kind of pink two-dimensional shit. Does that count?
1:57 am -- I sit for a second and realize that all this time I've been hurting small chickens and cows that are probably larger than the chickens and a single tear slides its way through the grease on my cheek (that's normal skin-grease; it didn't come from any meat or meat by-products because I stopped eating them) as I think of all the sad cows and chickens who know they're going to die but can't understand for what reason because they're stupid as delicious rocks.
1:58 am -- I laugh for several minutes over the idea that there could be a rock that clucks like a chicken! Kids love that kind of thing! Would it be possible to interbreed rocks and chickens to make a hilarious new pet? I would call it Chocky! Maybe if I slam a chicken and a rock together enough, they would fuse into this new super-animal. I make a note to try this when I can find a living chicken that's slower than I am.
2:03 am -- I'm eating some kind of sausage wrapped in a piece of turkey, but I'm pretending it's cereal and it almost tastes like Wheatabix when I close my eyes. (You know if I spelled 'Wheatabix' wrong it's because I'm avoiding potential lawsuits and not because I'm too lazy to go and check to see how it's actually spelled? OK, good.)
2:15 am -- After my last relapse into meat-eating, I feel guilt the likes of which has been previously unknown to humankind. To this end, I fashion a large board studded with slightly blunted nails and begin flagellating myself. This quickly turns into masturbation, and I pass out from blood loss. Guess I missed a few nails! Ha ha ha!
8:19 am -- I awake in a hospital bed, but something is very wrong! There's some kind of red gravy in my IV drip! Oh no! These doctors did not realize I am a healthy vegetarian now! I rip out the IV and run down the halls shouting in anger, because that's how people get things done in the movies. For good measure, I also throw a bed pan through a window. Breaking glass is such an awesome noise and reminds me of better times.
10:25 am -- Talk about your grumpy people! You just know that the hospital security staff must eat a lot of meat because they're always cranky and won't even answer simple questions about my restraints and how do I get off the restraints and why am I in restraints? Luckily I find some fat retarded guy to dictate this journal to. He writes it on the wall in pee, and I get a sedative. Yay!
1:34 pm -- Meat! They'll...oh, I know you've the meat in the...Funny story.
7:29 pm -- I sit down for a delicious dinner of eggs. Eggs aren't meat because they're not fertilized. Well, not YET! Ha ha ha!
THE END.
*shmorky
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