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Wednesday, December 3, 2003
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 Part III: Hostile Holidays -- TheJudge || Post in the forum
I went to the mall last weekend. I wasn’t going there to shop. I was conducting a study. You see, I’ve been observing people at the mall and then I grouped them into categories. I would like to share my findings with you:
 | | The “I know what I want” |
The “I know what I want” shopper: This type of shopper is what everyone should aspire to be and is usually male, but not always. He knows exactly what he wants and where to get it before he even enters the mall. He’ll just show up, walk in, march to the target location, pick up the item and walk out. It’s a done deal. It’s simple, easy and efficient.
 | | The “Over emotional” |
The “Over emotional” shopper: This has to be a gender thing. These women stop in front of every shop, look trough the glass and scream “Ooooooooooooh!!! That’s so cute!!!” Then they move on to the next shop. They don’t even bother entering the store to examine the trinket! No sir! They just state to the world out loud that they are absolutely fascinated by a specific item, and then they dismiss it completely and move on to the next. These are the kind of people that will suddenly stop in front of you because something caught their eye. You on the other hand have to leap out of the way, or trip and fall, or bump into them because the over emotional types failed to realise that there are other people walking behind. I hate it when that happens. I almost smacked a lady behind the head once.
 | | The “Spontaneous grabber” |
The “spontaneous grabber”: This applies to both genders. They come to the mall with the mission of getting a gift for someone but have no clue what they want to get. They’ll walk by, see something shiny, stop, look at it, and run for it! They’ll grab the thing so darn fast, head to the cash saying “Hey! This will make a great gift!” They buy the item and leave. Unless they have to get gifts for someone else. Then they’ll continue shopping. But you have to wonder just how much thought these people put into gifts… Yeah… That’s what Christmas is about. Great going!
 | | The “Undecided” |
The “Undecided” shopper: Again, this goes for both genders, but mostly women. It’s more of a personality trait than anything else. A word of advice, don’t go shopping with these folks. It’s an all day activity. If they want to buy a t-shirt, they’ll go to every single store that sells them. They’ll look at the entire inventory, making mental notes of where the good items are. After completing all the shops, they’ll go back from the mental list and head to the “potentials”. They’ll do this loop over and over and over until they’ve eliminated all but one. Then they may just change their mind about the gift idea and not buy the friggin t-shirt. Meanwhile, you can see the husband hanging around. He’s sitting down, he’s standing, he’s going in circles, he’s leaning on a bench, he’s checking out the clerks, and he’s growing very very impatient. But he won’t say a thing. He’ll just stand there and wait.
 | | The “pick up and bitch” |
The “pick up and bitch” shopper: These people normally know what they are looking for. And when they find it, they’ll try to find a reason for them not to buy it. They’ll look for fabric defects, for scratches, for missing or broken accessories, etc. And when they’ll find a defect, they loudly comment “Feh! I’m not buying this crap! It’s broken! You think you could get some decent products for your money but noooooo! They try to sell you crap here!” They make a small scene and move next door to repeat the process. When they do find something adequate, they’ll take it home and examine it even closer there. They’ll often return items because they noticed something odd when putting the item under a microscope.
 | | The “Bargain hunters” |
The “Bargain hunters”: This applies to all genders. These people will prepare in advance. They’ll look at all the flyers and sales. They’ll plan a route and they’ll map it out. They get to the stores before they open. They wait… Ready to sprint into action as soon as the doors unlocks. And if you are in the way, they’ll walk all over you like a cheap Mexican whore and they won’t look back. They’ll rip things out of your hands. They become animal like and they are fuelled by an energy very similar to rage. Sometimes, they’ll use the tactics of the pick up and bitch shopper in order to get a discount on “defective” items. Sometimes, they’ll even roam in packs and coordinate their operations.
There’s a few more shopper type. Let’s leave those open for discussion. My point is that you should really stop and look around next time you are at the mall. This is the best time of the year too observe the whackos in their natural habitat. It is quite fascinating!
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