 |
Main:
|
|
|
Other:
|
|
|
Email Login:
|
Sign up here!
|
We've gone on a diet!
Actually, we just changed the way the site looks and smells.
You just so happen to be looking at an old page.
A really, really, really old page.
Older than Jesus himself, in fact.
Click here to view the new site
The Geekery Article Archives
All content within these archives belongs to Gotthegeek.com and the content's author. If you would like to use something from these archives, ask the author, or contact the Webmaster for permission.
Even older articles and news can be found here and an older version of The Geekery can be found here.
 NO MORE MEATS FOR ME! -- Lacerda || Post in the forum
Lacerda, News Correspondent
While reading some little paragraph of text called "ingredients", I came to a frightening realization:
Did you know that all your favorite meats came from things that were once alive? Isn't that terrible?
Well, I for one am shocked and appalled and also thirsty.
To this end, I have decided to swear off the eating of all meats for reasons of both health and morality. This update shall act as a chronicle of this dietary journey. Come with me on this journey, my online friends! My offline friends wouldn't come because they are asleep and also non-existent.
1:30 am -- I realize that while I was writing this update, I was chewing a mouthful of honey-glazed ham. I take a few moments of silent introspection to make sure I understand what I'm getting myself into before throwing my fist up in the air and yelling "SOLIDARITY FROM MEAT!" in a really angry voice. I wake my parents up and they scowl and ask why there's ham on the ceiling. I tell them it's because I'm not a corporate meat-slave anymore and they go back to bed muttering something about "rent".
1:45 am -- Is bacon really meat? Is it though? I mean really? It just looks like some kind of pink two-dimensional shit. Does that count?
1:57 am -- I sit for a second and realize that all this time I've been hurting small chickens and cows that are probably larger than the chickens and a single tear slides its way through the grease on my cheek (that's normal skin-grease; it didn't come from any meat or meat by-products because I stopped eating them) as I think of all the sad cows and chickens who know they're going to die but can't understand for what reason because they're stupid as rocks.
1:58 am -- I laugh for several minutes over the idea that there could be a rock that clucks like a chicken! Kids & child molesters trying to get kids into vans love that kind of thing! Would it be possible to interbreed rocks and chickens to make a hilarious new pet? I would call it Chocky! Maybe if I slam a chicken and a rock together enough, they would fuse into this new super-animal. I make a note to try this when I can find a living chicken.
2:03 am -- I'm eating some kind of sausage wrapped in a piece of turkey, but I'm pretending it's cereal and it almost tastes like Wheatabix when I close my eyes. (You know if I spelled 'Wheatabix' wrong it's because I'm avoiding potential lawsuits and not because I'm too lazy to go and check to see how it's actually spelled? OK, good.)
2:15 am -- After my last relapse into meat-eating, I feel guilt the likes of which has been previously unknown to humankind. To this end, I fashion a large board studded with slightly blunted nails and begin flagellating myself. This quickly turns into masturbation, and I pass out from blood loss. Guess I missed a few nails! Ha ha ha!
8:19 am -- I awake in a hospital bed, but something is very wrong! There's some kind of red gravy in my IV drip! Oh no! These doctors did not realize I am a healthy vegetarian now! I rip out the IV and run down the halls shouting in anger, because that's how people get things done in the movies. For good measure, I also throw a bed pan through a window. Glass breaking is such an awesome noise.
10:25 am -- Talk about your Grumpy Guses! You just know that the hospital security staff must eat a lot of meat because they're always cranky and won't even answer simple questions about my restraints and how do I get off the restraints and why am I in restraints? Luckily I find some fat retarded guy to dictate this journal to. He writes it on the wall in pee, and I get a sedative. Yay!
1:34 pm -- Meat! They'll...oh, I know you've the meat in the...Funny story.
7:29 pm -- I sit down for a delicious dinner of eggs. Eggs aren't meat because they're not fertilized. Well, not YET!
Ha ha ha!
THE END.
...
OR IS IT...?!?!?
Dun dun dun! Dun duuunnnn!
(Comments () | Post in the forum | Join the Forums )
|
|
|
|
