 |
Main:
|
|
|
Other:
|
|
|
Email Login:
|
Sign up here!
|
We've gone on a diet!
Actually, we just changed the way the site looks and smells.
You just so happen to be looking at an old page.
A really, really, really old page.
Older than Jesus himself, in fact.
Click here to view the new site
The Geekery Article Archives
All content within these archives belongs to Gotthegeek.com and the content's author. If you would like to use something from these archives, ask the author, or contact the Webmaster for permission.
Even older articles and news can be found here and an older version of The Geekery can be found here.
 I Have Orange Juice -- Lacerda || Post in the forum
Lacerda, News Correspondent
The signs of summer are in the air: giant mosquitoes flying back and forth dealing out doses of West Nile; kids taking off their winter guns and strapping on their summer models; my caveman thawed out and enrolled in school; the chance to engage in bouts of public urination without losing any penal tissue…
Yes, it’s a wonderful time of year!
It’s time to renew your love affair with the outdoors. Your hot, oily, sweaty love affair that ends with you passed out on the pavement, children rolling you back and forth until all your pocket change had spilled across the sidewalk and they leave you sitting there like a used slot machine and the cops laugh at you when you tell them what happened but you still don’t get your eight dollars back and then you curse at the fact that Canadian money has such high denomination coins…
Ah, summer--everyone’s favorite season. I SAID, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE SEASON. Don’t argue with me; you know it’s true. People love it when the weather is warm and the tightly coiled bodies of the young men are on display with their little muscle shirts and their running around with the flexing and there’s drool on your keyboard because you just want to…
…Ah, summer.
But what can you do with your summer vacation? Let’s consider some possibilities:
WORKING SOMEPLACE
Chances are, you could always use some more money, or in some cases, some money. Look at me for example. LOOK AT ME! I’ve got like $300 in the bank, and that’s it. Why don’t you send me some money? That would be good. In fact, if like 20 of you could all get summer jobs and send me 10% of what you make, I wouldn’t have to work at all and then I could just spend all this time writing shitty articles that maybe make one corner of your mouth turn up, but aside from that do nothing really and just represent a bunch of burned calories that came from typing them out really fast. Listen: what you’ve read above has taken me four minutes to write and I shit you not; this is the time I spend entertaining people on the internet. It means that much to me. Oh yeah. Right, we’re talking about getting summer jobs. Uh…
GOING ON AN ADVENTURE
If I learned anything from the Tom Hanks vehicle Mazes & Monsters, it’s that nothing bad can come from pretending to be fictional characters and getting all dressed up and wandering around some caves while throwing plastic skeletons at one another. Trust me, going all crazy and thinking you’re a cleric and traveling to New York to look for your long-lost brother is not only entertaining, it’s completely safe. Just bring a knife and you’ll be fine. PERDOOO!
DOING ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
I think this has always been a fan favorite. From lounging around a swimming pool to laughing at your parents as they go to work, summer has long been a respite from the annoyances of moving around and being productive. This summer, however, if you’re going to take this path, I encourage you to take it all the way. Just lie still. Don’t move at all—breathe shallowly and rarely. If you grow enormously fat and have lichen growing on you by July, you get 150 points. You can trade these points in for fabulous prizes.
PRETEND TO BE A HACKER BUT FAIL MISERABLY
Whether you’ve ever seen the movie Hackers or not, let me tell you one thing: pretending to be a hacker is cool. You can be some pimply-faced idiot who hides in his parent’s basement all day looking at furry porn, but as far as anyone on the internet knows, you are a 1337 h@x0R. How do you prove this? Simple! You download programs that other people have coded that allow you to send outdated DDOS or mail-bomb attacks at anyone who questions your 1337ness. It also helps to have a really stupid sounding Hacker Clan name…you know, like “Matrix Clan” or something equally dumb. Oh yeah, don’t forget to swear a lot. This will convince people that you are hard-core and not to be fucked with. Wait, you know that part where I said “allow you to send outdated DDOS or mail-bomb attacks”? OK, forget that. Change that to “threaten to do that, but then do absolutely nothing because you’re even more full of shit than I thought previously.” Oh, and don’t forget to threaten sarcastic web personalities who certainly wouldn’t mock your pathetic excuse for a clan on their web pages. Idiot.
Oh...oh, wait no...no...wait...wait...I WAS WRONG! OH HEAVENLY GOD NO MY COMPUTER IS BREAKING BECAUSE OF HACKER ATTACKS AND NOW I'M FUCKED OH GOOD LORD IF ONLY I KNEW WHO I WAS DEALING WITH (ASIDE FROM SOME MORON NAMED KALIBER) AND ARRRGHH111!THIS WILL TAKE HOURS OF REPAIR IF ONLY I COULD STOP UPDATING THE WEBPAGE LONG ENOUGH TO TURN OFF MY COMPUTER I MIGHT PREVENT SOME DAMAGE BUT ALL I CAN DO IS TYPE WITH MY CAPS LOCK ON AND HOPE FOR THE BEST BECAUSE I AM BEING 'PWNED'!!11 NOOOOO1O11
(Comments () | Post in the forum | Join the Forums )
|
|
|
|
