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Wednesday, February 12, 2003
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 Mad Bitches, Disgruntled Hoes -- Lacerda || Post in the forum
Lacerda, News Correspondent
It will come to no surprise to some of you that I've been toying with the idea of being a writer, despite the slim chances of success in that venue. Well, no more friends. No more. I've realized my true calling, and although it does have aspects of writing to it, it is certainly not the same thing. Ye gods, no. Now, I have decided my true calling in life lies as a rapper. AWWW YEEEAHHH!
I can already hear the criticism: "Lacerda, you're extraordinarily white and utterly devoid of rhythm!"
Ha! That is how I answer. I answer with "ha!". Since when have success and talent ever been synonymous? Never, that's when. NEVER. If you don't believe me, just check out some of my mad stylings!
For example, this is my "My Penis is Superior to Your Penis" song that seems to be a rap prerequisite:
Lacerda comin' through in two zero zero two,
gonna let all you playas know exactly how we do
got ten fingers on the hand and equal that in toes
got mad bitches and an equivalent crop of hoes
People be telling me that they don't want to hear
Listen to them? Shit, I don't even know the year
Bitches be constantly self-aggrandizin'
Motherfuckers need to know it's time for some down-sizin'
of their rhymes, cause they got none
Nil, zero, zip, bupkis, the apex of a gun
Metaphors all fucked, and similes got whack
Two zero zero two also the number of bitches on dey back
For Lacerda, I gots the mad beard!
Takin' the shots, baby I be weird!
Weird? Odd? Somewhat strange, yo
I was serious about dose penis metaphors, ho.
My disregard for women is purely monumental!
The fact I spout misogyny is merely incidental.
If suckas take offence, I brush it off like joke,
Promote hate to kids while I take a toke
Of a major market share, so who needs shame?
Just another playa in the popular music game.
Wheehoo! I just spout that 'Fat Vibe', don't I? But we don't stop there! Here's another sure-fire hit:
(Women's voices): What time is it, Lacerda?
(spoken):It's uh it's uh it's uh L-A-C-E-R-D-A o'clock, bitches!
(Women's voices): Say whaaaaaaaaa?
(HARDCORE RAP!): Perhaps you didn't hear me the first time
That's fine
There's time
To make you understand that
(Women's voices): Whaaaa?
Lacerda is number one in this shitty land
Staving off the cold with the rhymes of gods,
Saying sexist things, like callin' bitches broads
(Women's voices): Lacerda, you so bad!
Bad, bitch?
Bitch, I be the best! You never see a finer man in a gorilla chest
vest
Look at this thing, by cracky!
Ain't no motherfucker gonna address me as wacky
Unless they wanna get busted in the mouth
By dry gorilla nipples
Gonna sell 'em in the South
That's a legitimate concern, that playas get the burn
The vest
The best
Brush my teeth with Crest.
(Women's voices): Dental hygiene? That's keen!
Keen? Yo, you hardly comprehend, da fuckin' sulca brushes,
Dey be a major friend
Of my mouth,
Like slavers in the South
Irrelevant social issues comin' through like
Fuck...tissues?
(Women's voices): That was queer.
Queer?
Fear!
I'm comin' for your rear! Gonna bust all the back-up singers harder than a tsunami!
Teach all y'all to dis me!
(Women's voices): There's six of us, and you're a skinny little wiener, step up and we'll take you to the cleaners.
TRUE DAT!
Huh. You know what? I'm thinking maybe I'll just go back to the drawing board again.
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