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Monday, January 12, 2004

Space Exploration: Express Elevator to Hell, Going Down -- Chris || Post in the forum

Submitted by Chris

Just like I thought it wasn’t possible for people to get anymore retarded than they already are when it comes to such things as common sense, or even breathing, some thought it was impossible for something to make it to another object in space, and orbit it, let alone land on it. Just recently, the super-duper-smart people who probably cheated their way through high school, college, and possibly their marriage, at NASA have proved many assholes and Atheists alike, who thought (And probably still think) landing on the moon was staged and completely fake, wrong again, unless the latest pictures that they took are from the sandbox that I don’t have in my backyard. Come to think of it now, would we really know if they made the whole thing up? I mean, really, with everyone illegally downloading copies of Photoshop, it’s easy for them to simply take a picture of that sandbox that I don’t have in my backyard, and then edit the tinting in Photoshop to give it that reddish hue that every thinks about when it comes to Mars, and maybe the occasional alien or two to get them even more money.

This image came from a digital camera that I found in my backyard while digging for gas lines that appears to be of a frozen like on Venus. I'm going to be a millionaire!

Believe me, I’ve thought about it before – simply go to some frozen lake by my house, take a picture of it, throw some rocks around the lake in Photoshop, and I could claim that I had found the camera in my backyard while digging in hopes of hitting a gas line for me to tap into to get free gas since like many people, I like to cheat my way through life, with those pictures on it. I would instantly become a millionaire because everyone would believe me. Who wouldn’t believe the internet?! On a side note, someone sent me an email requesting my account number in order to insert “a large amount of funds into it”. I gave them the account number without any questions. The rest is history.

First orbiting Earth in some tin can that they called a capsule, then the moon, then the planets like Venus and Mars. What next? Maybe they’ll design something to go deep into the caves in Afghanistan to actually find bin Laden, who knows. Wait a minute. That’s not space! Sorry. Apparently that doesn’t cost enough money for them to touch upon. Maybe Jupiter will be the next planet to land on, or even Uranus.

“Jupiter!” You think. “What a great idea!”. Yes, that would be a great idea if it was physically possible jackass. One, the planet is entirely made up of gas, and second, even if it was solid, the sheer force of gravity produced by the girth of the planet would crush pretty much anything we send over there in a matter of minutes, not much unlike a fat person stepping on a ketchup packet. (Note: The idea of sending something to land on one of the ‘Gas Giants’ was brought up by some brilliant person that I know.)

The future of space exploration lies in the hands of one man. It’s none other than our fearless leader: George W. Bush. He wants to build a colony on the moon to make the trip to Mars and other planets “easierly”. Not a bad idea, however, his idea is met with some fierce competition ranging from the Israelis who want world domination and also form a colony on the moon, to Microsoft who wants world domination, all of our money and to form a colony on Venus. They have come up with some brilliant ideas to colonize foreign bodies in space, and of course, we here at The Geekery have the scoop on all of it.

Microsoft: "The future have arrived!!1"

Microsoft
When Bush announced his plans for space exploration within the next decade, Microsoft quickly produced plans for it’s colony on Venus in the popular Windows based program called “Paint”. Their plan calls for 5 shuttles to be launched in different years to reach Venus by the year 2020. During their voyage, Microsoft will have to send the shuttles updates, such as coordinates, how to make the air filtration system actually work, and not to mention how to make the water filtration system work right which really hasn’t been working properly since the mission started. When met with the concern about the temperature reaching ludicrous highs on Venus, a spokesman from Microsoft simply said, “Well, we’re not really concerned about the temperature, it shouldn’t be a problem. You see, while over there, we’ll just have to simply open more Windows to let some air in”. No one has anymore information from Microsoft about their plans because everyone stopped talking to them after his comment.

This is not much unlike what the skies will look like if the Israelis colonize the moon and throw rocks toward Earth.

Israel
Israel’s space program suffered a huge hit back in February of 2003 when their first astronaut was killed in the Columbia explosion upon reentry into the Earth’s atmosphere. This hasn’t stopped them from exploring space, not to mention trying to take over the entire Mid East region, and possibly the rest of the world. Sure, there has been a lot of fighting in the Mid East over the past decade or so, but they are set on making a colony on the moon before the United States does. Their plan to build a colony on the moon calls for a rocket to be launched from a shoulder launcher which will dock with the International Space Station, refuel, and make it’s way on to the moon where it will dump a payload of rocks to build the structure. When asked why, their Prime Minister said, “Now we can be above everyone else on Earth all at the same time. Soon enough we will be bringing hell upon you all by throwing rocks at all of you!”

In Michael Jackson's on mind, this is his colony on Pluto. Far from where anyone else in their rights minds would want to be

Michael Jackson
Jackson is reported to want to also use his vast amount of funds for even more “good causes” by getting into the scene of space exploration. His original plan was to land and colonize the gas giant “Uranus”, but his advisors advised him not to, as the planet is a gas giant and cannot be landed on, as well as the name being “rather explicit” when little teen age children say the name. Jackson was then said to want to colonize Pluto, which is not a gas giant. Jackson’s plan includes a theme park on the planet, as well as a shopping mall, a movie theater, a restaurant, as well as any other places young children enjoy to hang out at. When asked why, Michael Jackson replied with, “I think it would be a beautiful thing to take children with me to Pluto on a long voyage. They’d get to escape reality and forget all of their problems for the rest of their lives since the voyage takes so long”.

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