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Stupid Questions: Volume 3
Yet again our forum members share questions that they must suffer though while at work, home, or while out and about.
My God Hates Your God
Written by Chris
Sep 06, 2005 at 01:20 AM
This is what a five year old dyslexic child may look like. Before getting hit in the head by a hard object, such as a ball.
It's been a while since I've written something for The Geekery, and I'm sure some of you are wondering whether or not I can still put together a coherent sentence. The answer to that is yes. Well, Somewhat. If you call typing an entire sentence, realizing that it doesn't make sense, and deleting the entire thing because none of it made sense, then yes, I can still type a coherent sentence. If it weren't for the backspace and delete keys, I would appear to be a 5-year-old kid who has 3 fingers, and who is also blind and deaf who has been placed behind a keyboard in hopes of writing the next best selling text book used in American colleges, or a continuation to "Battlefield Earth". Though the thought of this is funny at first, the sad part is that this goes on everyday around the world, especially in the United States where kids are placed in front of computers at earlier and earlier ages. In fact, my typing has gotten so horrendous I have actually considered buying a keyboard that has a much larger "backspace" key to save me some time when it comes to correcting dumb mistakes. That, and in addition to Velcro shoes, a large wooden spoon to eat my breakfast with, and the urge to run red lights help to save me about five minutes a day.
It's no secret that I have been absent for more than a year... or two. Maybe even three if I remember correctly. I have been gone so long I honestly can't even keep track. I finally got sick and tired of having a truant officer sent to my house daily. It was really getting annoying having to come up with a different disguise everyday in hopes to throw the guy off. Just recently I had a close call - A little too close. If it weren't for that carrot cake with frosting in my refrigerator, I wouldn't have been able to stick my face in it like Mrs. Doubtfire did in the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire".
Hint, this is not what is featured on meatspin.com. The only meat that you will be seeing is meat that you don't want to see.
Saying that I haven't been around for two years isn't exactly true, anyway. I have been around a lot on the internet, just not here with you people. I'm sorry; I just had better things to do. I have been on the forums a lot, and I have also been to such sites as the latest internet "shock site" meatspin.com (Which I am not going to link here because people will actually click on it and complain to me that I sent them to a site that got them fired from work, or got them a divorce from their fat spouse who has nothing better to do than watch over their shoulder while you browse the internet.) This "shock site", might I add, has been a smash hit in high schools across the North Eastern section of the United States thanks to me.
Recently I have implemented a new content management system which I thought was one of the best upgrades that I have ever done to any site that I manage. This held true for about a month and a half until I learned that the CMS that I had just switched to has since changed its name, and will no longer publish updates and modifications for the version that I am running. I'm suspecting this has something to do with the rising gas prices in countries that don't have cars, or the fact that Pope John Paul the Second died several months ago meaning the end of days is nearing closer.
This is one of the many reasons why god will be returning shortly to thin the herd.
Simply put, the end of days is nearing. My god hates your god, and they're not happy that they're our Gods, that's for sure. Combined with the fact that people go to worship less and less (AKA "Church") because they are too busy looking at pornography, and the fact that internet pornography sites, mainly sites that depict nuns having intercourse with monks, or women who claim to be nuns having intercourse with mums, have since taken off in the last two years and have made countless millions from teenagers around the world who steal their parent's credit cards, our Gods aren't very happy and are more than willing to show us that they aren't.
It's quite apparent that God, or whoever is in charge nowadays, is in fact mad at us. With the recent events down in New Orleans and the rest of the Gulf coast, and the fact that Reverend Al Sharpton is once again up to his same antics stating that race was a factor when the hurricane choose to make landfall on New Orleans, God isn't a happy camper. Though, it wasn't just Al Sharpton that has made God mad. God's anger goes back many years even before Al Sharpton was around proclaiming that blacks have a constant burden by being chosen by God to be more prone to asthma, as well as the constant burden to have the latest pair of Jordan’s and Iverson’s.
This utter hatred for man, man's dog, and man's rap has been sparked by countless years of basically saying, "Fuck you!" to God, Jesus, and whoever else is up there watching over us as we do stupid things. In a recent email that was sent directly to me from Jesus himself - and yes, they do have computers up there - Jesus described to me in detail why he is disgusted at all of us. Basically, if you're fat, cheat on your wife, and drive a Volkswagen Jetta, you're on his shitlist, and expect a hurricane soon.
To: Chris Philbin < > From: Jesus Christ < > Subject: WIN A FREE IPOD BY EATING EXPIRED CHOCOLATES AND V1AGRA
Dear Mr. Chris Philbin,
As I am sure you have noticed, a vast majority of your fellow "men" (And I use that term loosely) have been screwing up for the past, oh I don't know... 2,000 years or so since I left that place. Now I'm not a stickler for the rules, not by a long shot, but recently over the past few years I've noticed that not only has the amount of fat people sky rocketed, but people have been doing more and more stupid things that really piss me off - Especially the other day when some idiot decided to shoot a gun up in the air and nearly took out the right front tire on my Cadillac here in Heaven. I just had spinners put on it, and a bullet to a wheel would have done them in.
I've been lenient over the past few thousand years, but something has to be done now because, quite frankly, people have gotten too fat, and things are starting to get too far out of hand because they are too fat. Or maybe they're getting too fat because things are out of hand. I don't know.
Cleanliness is next to Me First and foremost, kids need to start getting hair cuts again. Now I know I'm one bad mother fucker with my hair do, but you'll have to understand that the last time I had my hair cut was maybe 2,005 years ago. Obviously my hair is going to be long, but for God's sakes, I see kids all over the place that have more hair on their heads than I do, and I don't like it. Either they're going to all start getting hair cuts, or I'm going to give each and every one of them one form of cancer or the other and force them to go through leukemia. My friend Tony who owns a barber shop is scared shitless thinking that the sixties are coming back and he won't have anything to eat - not even hair. There's only room for one person in this world that can have long hair, and that one person is me. Loose it or loose it is what I say, faggot. At least I wash my hair.
This thing has more than just Thyroid problems.
Everyone with "Thyroid Problems" Yeah, you all know who you are. You know, you're the ones that claim that they weigh 350 pounds (And are only 5' 6") because you have "problems" with your thyroid. It's time you all come up with a better excuse because I know how many people really have thyroid problems, and the total isn't "everyone". Stop blaming McDonald's and your thyroid problems and start blaming yourself. And don't even think about blaming me. Next time you think about blaming the thyroid that I gave you, think about what it would be like to get liposuction... with anesthetic that doesn't really work. Maybe that will make you think twice before you open your fat mouth, you fat fatty fat person.
That's all I could think about at the moment just off the top of my head, and my time is almost up on this internet cafe computer, so I'll leave it at that. Besides, the guy next to me is fat, smelly, and if I recall correctly he was wanted for mooning an on coming train somewhere in Idaho. His ass was obviously kicked. I don't know who let him in because I know for sure he's not on my list.
I'll be sure to keep in contact with you and let you know how man is progressing towards a certain demise in several years from this day this way you will know when I will return with my flying cross ship that shoots out a beam of Holy water to kill unsuspecting punks who insist that there is no God. I'd like to see them paint their rooms black in hell.
With Warm Regards, Jesus Christ
P.S., You might want to go down to 7-11 to get some lottery tickets. 17, 34, 30, 12, 26, and 2 will be the winning numbers someday. Plus there's this really hot girl that works there and I think I can get you her number.
I was very confused when I got that email, I wasn't sure if it was SPAM like I always get (The latest craze seems to be those 'Nation wide soda surveys' that are going around faster than a fat kid can run to a bake sale) or if the email was indeed from Jesus Christ himself. I tried sending a reply back that basically said, "Thanks for the email, you freak. Lay off the crack and get back to me when your mother dies."
Shortly after I hit the "Send” button in Eudora I realized that this might not have been a good idea after all because what if it really was an email from above? What if the man that wrote the email was really Jesus Christ himself? What if the person that wrote it wasn't an escapee from a mental hospital? If it was the real Jesus Christ and not some make believe who is just trying to make a quick buck I was sure to be going straight to hell in a hand basket.
A few moments later Eudora checked my mail like it does every five minutes, and as usual it received about forty emails which is about normal for a five minute period for me. After sifting through all of the junk email telling me that I could make my penis longer than a Boeing 757 or how I can find "thousands of sluts from the New York area that are just waiting to give me AIDs" I finally found the message that I was looking for, a message from the mailer daemon on heaven.com. Thankfully the email never found its destination because apparently my IP block has been blocked due to the guy three houses down from me sending everyone emails claiming that he will make you money while making your penis longer than a football field.
Needless to say, this just goes to show you how when Jesus really does return to Earth to kill off all of the "bad guys" no one is going to believe him since everyday there are people that claim that they are God. Just the other day the guy working the toll both said that he was God and commanded that I stopped using my car because it might kill a Nat or two, or even worse a rabbit or a goat. It turns out he was from some form of animal right's group that took over a toll plaza near my house.
