He'll reach deep into the hole, heal your shrinking soul

Here's one of the people who heard him speak:

"I think the Pope was saying, the rain is kind of like the devil. If we stand together and believe we can beat it. And this was just physical weather, but it goes beyond that to peer presure and stuff like that." - Kenneth Li, 13, Toronto.

Thanks buckets for that interpretation, Kenny. Real helpful. The rain, right. Peer pressure. Gotcha. Makes sense. Or does it?

No, it doesn't, Kenny. No it doesn't.

Hey buddy, you know you're never ever coming back

Before I start your matriculation into the "Doesn't Really Understand the Pope" Club, let me break down some of the Pope's other words, to see if I can't help flip the breaker switch in your piteous little mind. Oh Kenny, I don't even know you and you're only 13, and I'm making fun of you to entertain people I'll never meet either. Sorry. The Pope would forgive me, so I assume you will too, you dink. Oh right - the interpretation(his words, followed by what they really mean:

"Do not be discouraged by the sins and fallings of some of her members. The harm done by some priests and religious to the young and vulnerable fills us all with a deep sense of sadness and shame."

"Ok, so. Yeah, the clergy has been like some kind of twisted molestation-o-tron. You know, like some kind of robot that molests people. Heh, that would be funny. They'd all be running and yelling stuff like "No, not my special places!" and "HOOOOOONNNNNKKKK!". Heh, John Ritter. Huh? Where was I? Oh...right. Sorry about all the years of trauma. We were sort've out of it for that one. My bad."

He's a god, he's a man, he's a ghost, he's a guru They're whispering his name through this disappearing land

"You are young and the Pope is old and a bit tired. But he still fully identifies with your hopes and aspirations. Although I have lived through much darkness, under harsh totalitarian regimes, I have seen enough evidence to be unshakably convinced that no difficulty, no fear is so great that it can completely suffocate the hope that springs eternal in the hearts of the young."

"Children, to be quite frank, the Pope, by which I mean me, needs your sweet lifeblood. Pope's tired, kids, and it's hard laying down the phat beats at the Vatican when I have to nap every ten minutes. Your vitality is essential here. The Pope's had some rough times, many of which are alcohol-soaked blurs, but trust me - eventually you will vomit until nothing else comes up and you kind of feel better. Did I mention I need your blood?"

But hidden in his coat is a red right hand

"Thanks to all the Spanish-speaking young people. Do not be afraid to respond generously to the lord's calling. Let your faith shine before the world. Let your actions show your commitment to the saving message of the gospel!"

"Yeah, you non-Caucasian kids can be Catholic too, I guess. Just be sure to give me some of your blood. I don't want all of it. Just fill up a Gatorade bottle or something."

See how easy that is? It's like beating the French!

Um, I guess I should probably take this moment to apologize to the score of people who read this site - this is intended as complete and total satire, and I don't mean to mock your religious leaders...it's just that Catholicism is the most PC religion to mock! Not to mention, it's one of the few I can make fun of without being labelled a bigot or a racist. I love the double standard, don't you?

Ye gods, will the irreverence never end?

I leave you with a little poem I wrote, called "Life & Errata":

Too much poo for you to handle You should buy a box

Can YOU find the Pope? Hint: Look to the hat.

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