Tears on My Pillow, Pee in My Glass

	Donate to The Geekery In an effort to help make this site Chris' full time job and allow him to deliver more interesting and unique content regularly, please take a moment to think about donating to help his efforts.

	Stupid Questions: Volume 3 Yet again our forum members share questions that they must suffer though while at work, home, or while out and about.

Aug 02, 2005 at 09:46 PM

Lacerda, News Correspondent

First off, I drink bottled water. I'm a big snob, and I drink water that comes from some mountain spring that's probably some guy's shed. And probably his latrine. And the place where he dumps the bodies of his most recent victims.

But, there's a picture of a clear mountain spring on the bottle, so I like to believe that's where it comes from. Of course, had the manufacturers placed a picture of the moon, or say, the Pope's spleen on there, I'd believe that too.

It looks clean, but it's not. Much like me and my STDs!

This being said, I think it's time we all took a look at the contents of tapwater:

Poo

I can almost guarantee you that there's a great deal of other people's poo in your tapwater.Now, I'm no sanitation expert or anything, but it seems to me that if the pipes are all interconnected, this is bound to happen. Just think, you could be drinking the waffle you had for breakfast three weeks ago! Now THAT'S SCIENCE! Next time someone tells you to "go eat shit", just walk over and fill a glass with some water. Then you can be all like "Is it ok if I drink it, asshole?" and they'll go "I have no idea what the hell you're talking about and why are you in my house? Where's grandma?"

Bacteria

Although I'm not quite certain what bacteria are, I have the general impression that they're really small and tend to be in stuff. So they're likely in your tapwater, plotting or whatever it is they do.

Aluminum

Back when I was in gradeschool, aluminum in the water was apparently a very large problem. I don't really see how it's a problem though - I mean, you have to make cans and stuff from something right? And couldn't you just let the water evaporate and get a whole big pile of aluminum out of that? Yeah, that's a money-saver.

80's Pop Band Foreigner

Well, if they're not somewhere in the sewer system, where did they go? HM? Also, when people get sick from drinking bad tapwater, I'm sure they sometimes get a fever of 103.

Explain that away, Captain Answers!

The Thoughts and Dreams of Children

This useless crap needs to go somewhere!

Filthy!

After all this intense scientific research that I did, I can't help but think that I made the right choice by drinking the bottled water that my parents pay for.

However, not everyone has parents to provide them with bottled water like I do, and even if they did, their dad's moustache would be nowhere near the size of my dad's moustache.

Seriously, you should see this thing - frankly, it's quite disturbing. Uh, anyhow, you don't have parents to provide you with bottled water, because you're an orphan, or your parents don't love you or you're self-sufficient like someone my age should actually be. The question here becomes, how do you purify your water?

I ANSWER!

Prayer

Why not call upon the infinite power of the gracious almighty? He can create life from nothingness and make people shoot each other over semantics, so I'm betting he can clean water. The only trouble here is, God has to like you. Might want to martyr yourself. I hear he's partial to that sort of thing.

Jesus has had a lot of practice - don't attempt the whole wine thing your first time out!

Fire

While this tends to be one of God's favourite methods of purifying stuff, you can use it to and beat him to the punch! I suggest dumping a can of gas on the water then lighting it ablaze - when it's burned away, WATER = CLEAN! Also, this method works for the martyr thing as well.

Some Kind of Strainer or Filter

Yeah, I guess this would work. Just find something with really small holes in it, then pour the water through for INTENSE FILTRATION ACTION! I'd try a pith helmet.

Get Someone You Don't Like to Drink the Water First

I think I heard somewhere that pee is sterile. Oh, and if you record yourself drinking someone's urine, you can make money with that video on the internet, too. Goodbye dignity, hello clean water and new stereo!

Man, with all this help I'm giving out, I could be some kind of water-based superhero! Like Aquaman! No, that name is stupid. That's right, DC - Aquaman is a stupid name.

OOOH! Aquaman! What's he going to do? Drown me? Feed me fish until my stomach bursts? Smell up my house?

I laugh at you, Detective Comics Comics! I laugh at you as much as possible considering I'm an unemployed 20-something wanna-be writer living in my parent's house and you're a multi-million dollar corporation with international distribution.

Hm.

I'm going to stick my head in the oven.

<Previous		Next>