|
Ay, thou wast born to be a plague to men. |
|
|
Jul 30, 2005 at 10:48 PM |
|
 Lacerda, News Correspondent
I have a crazy friend named Jason, and a little while ago(around the beginning of May), he went on a magical journey out west to plant trees and get bitten by bugs and possibly have sex with some magical hippies on his magical journey out west with trees and bugs and hippie sex. But maybe not. He's been gone for well over a month, and I've yet to hear from him - despite the fact that I know he has email access about once a week or so when he leaves his commune and treks back into "town", where they have electricity and running water and no cannibalism.  | | Perhaps the giant floating question mark can answer my questions... |
So I've yet not heard from my crazy friend Jason, and I've begun theorizing about what's been happening to prevent him from contacting me during his sojourn. Here are some of those "theories":
Other People Maybe Jason has met some other people who are far cooler than me, or even, and more frighteningly - who've known me previously and determined that I'm NOT cool! What if he's listening to them and giving into that terrible peer pressure? "Hey Jason, your friend Lacerda, which is actually a pseudonymn, he's not cool. People who have pseudonyms - not cool. Remember Batman? He was a ponce."
Complete Mental Breakdown Jason's not exactly the most sociable of people. Maybe been in close proximity with others day in and day out with no reprieve in sight caused him to snap, and he now sits alone in the campsite, chuckling to himself while wearing all the other people as a hideous suit he's sown together with a tent peg and some shoelaces.
Evil Woman With Creepy Eyes While I have no reason to believe she may be out west (wherever that is!), I can't help but wonder if the woman with creepy eyes is somehow responsible. Just look at her! If she's not responsible for Jason's seeming disappearance, then who is? Hm? Eh? Hm? Eh? Eh? Eh?  | I mean, come on! |
Memory Loss Jason's skull seems to be pretty thick, but that's no reason he couldn't have suffered some kind of head trauma that might impair his memory. What if he's wandering about aimlessly in the wilderness, unsure of who he is or where he's from? Damn! Well, as cartoons have taught me, the only way to regain your memory after losing it is to be struck in the head again. So, that being as it is, if any of you see disoriented people wandering out of the woods, I want you to walk up to them and strike them in the temple as hard as you can with your fist, a stick, or perhaps a rock. They'll thank you for it later. Wherever he is, I hope Jason is having fun, but I also hope he gets off his fun-having ass and mails/emails/calls me soon.
|
