Perhaps you're lucky enough to have never heard about Carnivore. Maybe you've been living under the internet equivalent of a rock. Well, that may be so, but Carnivore is in use, and it could be looking at YOU, right this very minute.

Carnivore is yellow. YELLOW LIKE YOUR FEAR!

For a more lengthy explanation of what Carnivore is (aside from very scary!), I've taken the liberty of quoting from www.fbi.gov:

"The Carnivore device provides the FBI with a "surgical" ability to intercept and collect the communications which are the subject of the lawful order while ignoring those communications which they are not authorized to intercept. This type of tool is necessary to meet the stringent requirements of the federal wiretapping statutes".

That's right - it's like a Google on steroids, capable of cutting through the unimportant, useless data that the internet is stuffed with like so many delicious children, stuffed with the candy I've been feeding them…soon, yes soon…ripe for the slaughter, my little runaway children…

Cannibalism aside, Carnivore is a serious threat to you if you partake in the more illicit activities the internet can provide. And don't think the FBI isn't going to go out of their way to deal with YOU. With their recent "intelligence failures", I'm sure the FBI wouldn't mind throwing a couple of hackers or child pornographers or ICP fans in the klink just to take some heat off. That's right. Klink, motherfucker.

In investigating this story, I talked to a few people who had been caught by the FBI's use of Carnivore - here's what they had to say about their experiences:

Ted Ramble of Michigan - "I was learning how to program in Visual Basic, and I went to a search engine to look up something to help me with my studies. I guess typing in "preteen Latino sluts" may not have been the ideal series of keywords for that, but I was tired and I didn't have my glasses on. The FBI, using their super and completely legal program, was at my house within minutes. Next time, I'll just get my child porn from KaZaA like everyone else."

Susan Deltree of North Dakota - "I was plotting revenge against all those bastards who live in South Dakota and writing all my schemes down in my LiveJournal account. If only I had known that Carnivore would pick up my massive number of death threats, I would've been more careful. Damn you, South Dakota! I knew you were all in bed with the Federal Bureau of Investigation!!" She cried at this point for several hours, so I went to get donuts - when I returned she was simply screaming "SOUTH DAKOTAAAAA!"

The rest of the people I talked to could only sob disconsolately, while massaging their temples.

Many of you are probably saying to yourselves "Why, Lacerda - aren't you afraid that the FBI might take exception to this startling expose on their internet tool of destruction? Aren't you worried they might target you for surveillance?"

Worried? Why, you spineless little freak-baby! First of all, stop talking to yourselves! You're worrying both your elders and your peers with your craziness. Secondly, why would I be worried? It's common knowledge that I, in fact, am the greatest hacker of all time, bar none. The FBI couldn't find me if they had a map, and I was on the phone giving them instructions, and they were being led by a guy who had been to where I was moments previously, and I was chained the floor and blindfolded and there were big neon lights everywhere with arrows that said "Lacerda is THIS way!".

Uh, actually, I'm not worried because this is satire, and I assume the FBI has a pretty good sense of humour, especially given that they work under George W.