|
 | | As you can't see from this graph, the United States ranks 7th when it comes to hours spent working |
The average American spends about 1800 hours at work each year. This means that the other 6960 hours in the year are spent sleeping, watching TV, driving, driving and talking on a cell phone and then getting into a fatal accident, and of course the proverbial "looking at pornographic materials on the computer" line. With such a daunting amount of time spent working each and every year, it's no wonder why so many Americans make it a frequent occurrence to call out of work in an attempt to reclaim their lives. But eventually, after calling out sick several times in just a month or two, your superior may begin to question the validity of your claims. So what do you do when it's your fifth time calling out of work in just five weeks and your boss calls you on it? Do you fold like a deck of cards and tell your boss the truth and get your ass into work? Do you stand your ground and say you're really sick? If you're a female, do you give him the "stomach virus" routine in hopes that they'll leave you along? This is when having a stock pile of bogus lies to tell your boss pays off big time. You'll be able to rattle off excuse after excuse each and every time you call out. Keep in mind that I have actually heard all of the excuses listed below. Having teenaged kids working under me for years is bound to give me a few pointers here and there. One thing is for sure, the future sure should be interesting. Who knows, maybe one day the President of the United States will call out sick.  | | This is actually what goes on in your head when you have a pounding headache. |
"I have a headache"
This one is one of my favorites. This excuse is good because everyone knows how bad it is to have one of those jack hammer-like headaches that are always depicted in TV commercials for pain relievers. We all know they suck. However, be careful when using this excuse, especially if you told your co-workers the day before that you were going to a big party that night. The bogus headache claim could then be construed as a hang over because you partied too hard the night before. Typically, you can only use this excuse a few times a year because how absurd it sounds. Honestly, unless you suffer from chronic migraines that inhibit you from moving or seeing light and cause you to have projectile vomiting, calling out for a headache is like calling out for a broken nail. It's a poor excuse, and only makes your co-workers upset at you since they will be the ones picking up your slack while you're gone. "I have to move stuff"
Again, this is another one of my favorites. Moving is a great reason to call out because it can possibly lead to many more days off because you'll have to take off to set everything up again. However, use caution when using this as an excuse as to why you won't be attending work. Typically people know well in advance when they are going to move. In fact, usually several months prior to a move a general time frame is known. Also, don't use this excuse the day after a party at your house. It may be construed as you (Or someone else) once again partying too hard and wrecking the place.  | | Marshal doesn't know whether or not he feels well. How do you think he feels? |
"I don't 'think' I feel well"
What? How are you unsure of how you feel? You're either feeling ill, or you're not. You should use this excuse when you don't know whether or not you really want to call out because you've already missed so many days, and besides that, you kind of really do need the cash. Instead of you making the decision, you call in and let your boss decide for you. Simply tell him or her that you have not been feeling well for several days now, but today is the day that you must call out. Of course, the weather is clear with a light breeze from the north and a temperature of 85 degrees with little to no humidity. It's the perfect day to call out of work. "I broke my leg"
If you're looking for a lot of time off, this is a really good reason as to why you have to call out - You broke your leg in a horrendous car accident. Typically with a broken leg, you'll be out of commission for several weeks while you recuperate and learn to deal with crutches in the proper manner. However, it is important to note that once you make this claim, you cannot be seen walking normally by anyone from work because people with broken legs don't walk on them for months afterwards, especially the day after the incident, which just happens to be pay day. "I have to attend family 'activities'"
This is almost a perfect excuse to miss work, but instead of phrasing it like that, you should instead say, "I had to take care of a family emergency". This will imply to your superior that you had to take care of something serious that you would like to keep confidential. However, if you slip up and say to your boss that you had to attend "family activities", be prepared to explain what those activities were. When asked, do not reply that you had to go to the Fourth of July fireworks display with your mother, grandmother, and aunt. The Fourth of July is on the same date every year, so this won't fly over well when your boss finds out, especially if you had given notice ahead of time the schedule would have been adjusted accordingly so people did not depend on you.
 | | This is a picture taken from the future depicting what traffic is going to be like on Christmas morning when everyone is stuck working. |
If you have a job in any type of "professional" field and you plan on using any of the above excuses to call out one day, be prepared to get laughed at, fired, and then finally kicked in the ass on the way out for such a dumb reason to call out. If, however, you work in a retail store or within a restaurant, some of those excuses may just work because places like that need all the people that they can get to cater to the massive amount of people that inundate those locations on daily basis, regardless of what time and day it is. If you work in either a retail store or a restaurant, then you probably know what I'm talking about in regards to customers and their shopping habits. It doesn't matter what time it is, what day it is, how the weather is, whether or not there's a war going on outside - They want to shop and spend money until they're broke. And once they're broke, they will take out their credit card and use that until it's maxed out. Once that's maxed out they will then steal other people's money and credit cards. And once they have stolen everyone else's money, they will then begin to start selling drugs and their bodies on street corners in order to buy a Snack Wrap at McDonald's at eleven at night. P.S., After doing a Google Image Search for the term "jackhammer", I discovered this gem. What. The. Hell. You may be able to use that website as an excuse why you cannot go into work because you can no longer see.
|
