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 | | This might be what Steven looks like |
My superior, who likes to go by the name Steven, or his alter ego name “Arnell”, depending on his mood and the phase of the moon, has recently informed me that if I were not to update the main page of The Geekery within one week, he would fire me and find someone better to replace me. This was a pretty amusing thought as I couldn’t fathom how someone could be fired if they aren’t being paid and plus I have never really met Steven in real life before. Steven could very well be some punk ass 15-year-old kid, or even worse, a terrorist. I simply laughed at him and told him, “Good luck finding someone better! It’s hard enough finding anyone that can put together a coherent sentence, let alone several paragraphs in a row that even remotely make sense!” Believe me, I’ve looked, and they don’t exist. All my real life friends can’t type more than a paragraph without their fingers falling off and blood oozing all over their keyboards preventing them from seeing the letters, causing them to type “lol” repeatedly until the L and O keys break, or them dying from blood loss. Which ever comes first.
At first I didn’t take Steven seriously as he has threatened to lay me off plenty of times before, and each time I’ve always replied with the same claim that he will never be able to find anyone as good, but apparently somewhere along the line he reached the end of his rope. I don’t know why he would have been on a rope. Maybe he lives in one of those new houses made of rope.
 | | This was the mod that shot up my house. Except they had guns. And lots of them. |
Fast forward to about a week after Steven first contacted me about being fired to Friday night at 9pm. My cell phone rang, I answered it (I was shocked because usually T-Mobile only chooses to provide me with service between the hours of 10am and 4pm, and only on even-numbered days. It was 9pm at the time and it was an odd-numbered day), and a voice said, “We gon smoke ya like uh blunt son” and several cars then drove by my house with AK-47s pointed out the windows and opened fire on my house. I’m assuming this was the work of Steven, and was to serve as a wakeup call for me to start writing more material. I wasn’t too pleased about his shooting escapade as I just had new siding and windows installed on my house, but they somehow managed to miss my house a few times during the ordeal, hitting and killing all of my neighbors while they were sleeping, as well as taking out their radio, and amazingly, their entire pool as well. I didn’t think a pool could blow up from a single bullet, but theirs must have been filled with gasoline or some other explosive material. It made the whole ordeal worth while.
Without further a due, here are my trade secrets to being a true Mack Daddy! I hope you’re happy, Steven!
What it takes to be a Mack Daddy
 | | Dress like Ali G and you're set for life. |
Clothing
Before you can even think of yourself as being close to being a Mack Daddy, you have to wear the proper clothing. Think of it as a uniform that you have to wear for work. If you’re not wearing your uniform, how can you possibly go to work without anyone saying anything to you? You can’t, thus why having the latest and greatest Air Force shoes that make you jump higher, run faster, and think smarter, Sean John jeans that cost 349 dollars (Which were 50% off at the Sean John Outlet) that are guaranteed to make your piece look bigger, and of course a 95 dollar shirt manufactured by the slaves of Sean John himself (Which again can be found at your nearest Sean John Outlet for 50% off) all play an important role in being the best Mack Daddy that you can be.
When picking out clothing, make sure that you are going to kosher Sean John clothing stores that have been blessed by Reverend Sean John himself. Also make sure that each article of clothing is well over 100 dollars a piece, and when trying on the articles of clothing (One article at a time, and finally all at one time) always ask yourself, “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me real hard.”
Jewelry (Ice)
Just as jewelry used to serve as a status symbol back when King Tut and Hitler were alive and ruling, it still serves as a status symbol in today’s modern world of sex, drugs, and pimping. Jewelry, or as some call it ice, is an essential key to success in the world of Mack Daddying. Without adequate ice, others will not know that you are a Mack Daddy, and will not show you any of the respect that you deserve and crave.
When buying jewelry, be sure to buy the real fake stuff – no one will be able to tell the difference, and it’s cheaper. You’re going to need all that extra money you saved for drugs and a car to hide them in. Also make sure that if you buy a necklace of some sort, get the longest chain possible to go around your neck. If possible you want to get one long enough so when you walk, your pieces hits your piece and pieces go all over the place.
 | | I got big shoes on my car. I'm a t-r-a-p-s-t-AR! |
Automobiles
Perhaps one of the most important aspects of being a Mack Daddy is having an expensive car, even though you know you can’t afford it. $499 a month? Who cares, the ladies will never know you only make $550 a month from your job as a garbage man. In order to be a Mack Daddy, you have to devote all of your money towards your personal presentation. Forget about anything that will make your life easier, and potentially bring you more money later on in life.
When looking to buy, only look for a Cadillac Escalade, a Ford Expedition, or a GMC Denali. Any other car will not suffice. These types of cars go well with a lower suspension, tinted windows, a big system, and big shoes (Thanks slang for rims). These cars also have lots of room for ladies, so if you ever find yourself with 5 ladies at a time, you’ll have no problem transporting them back to your shack.
Physical Appearance
The most important aspect of being a Mack Daddy is making sure your body looks the best that it can possibly look. Ladies go for guys with big muscles, nice hair, and a face and skin that look clean. So I suggest using steroids to get big muscles quickly, gallons of hair gel and orange tan to make your hair and skin more appealing, and anything else that you think ladies might like in order to ensure a score.
Hopefully this takes Steven off my back for a little while. At least this way I'll have time to patch up my house from the drive by that he ordered.
P.S., If you're a Mack Daddy, please let me know your secrets. I really haven't had much luck being a Mack Daddy as of late!
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