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Stupid Questions: Volume 3
Yet again our forum members share questions that they must suffer though while at work, home, or while out and about.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness!
Written by Chris
Nov 29, 2006 at 11:37 PM
Almost an entire week has gone by with nothing from me. No nothing. No articles. No Image Galleries. No new idiot products. I must have been on another one of those imaginary vacations to Bermuda with my fake girlfriend because I can honestly say that I have done nothing for the past week here.
Sure, you may want to get mad at me for it:
From:Subject: your a penis I want to open my mouth wide enough to fit your head in, cos your such a penis.
Yes, there are about a million jokes that I can make about that, but I don't know of any right now since I don't know of any of them. I just know that there must be a million jokes since everyone talks about "head" and "penises" while walking around town.
But do notice how I said that above statement: "I can honestly say that I have done nothing for the past week here." You see, that only means here at this site, not in my other life outside the computer and internet worlds. ("WHAT?!" You scream, "I thought you didn't have a life!")
Dirt. BAD!
This all started when I wanted to go to a dance about a week ago. The dance wasn't until last night, but I had to spend a lot of time getting ready. And I mean a lot. I had to spend such a long period of time on grooming myself because of the "Cleanliness is next to Godliness" theory amongst many of the American people here in none other than America itself. Here is what happened after finishing up some posts for the new fence and going out to the store for some things:
Lady One: Excuse me sir, is that dirt on your hands?
Me: Uh... yes, it is. Lady One: Ewww, nasty! Me: What's the matter? Never saw dirt before? Lady One: Don't you know that you're supposed to shower at least 3 times a day, a no less?! Me: I'm sorry, I did not read that in the Clean Freak Bible Lady Two: OH MY GOD! GO TAKE A SHOWER!
You see, I really don't go out that often, and no one has ever informed me that such a rule exists that states I must shower three times a day or else I will burst into flames and then get hit in the face by a pound of flour.
It turns out that there are many rules and regulations that you must follow in order to not be beaten down by the clean freaks of the society. I managed to find one of their hand books in the near by Army Navy Store in the World War II section. Why it was there, I don't know...
This is good. It is green. White is bad
Clean, Clean Clean.
You must stay clean at all times, and at all costs. Even if this means not going outside because it is raining and you need to go to the hospital because you just fell on a nail, so be it. You cannot afford someone to see you when you do not look your best. If you must go outside and in the public without showering, you must cover your entire body from head to toe in goat skin clothing, and the following night you must wash while in a handstand to free yourself of uncleanly ness.
Worship the Clean God
Your soap is your god you stupid idiot. Do not worship anyone other than the Soap God. He is the world power. He drives everyone and everything. He is the one that makes the sun rise and set everyday. Pray to the Soap God after every cleansing, or suffer the wrath or his soap in your mouth.
Don't drop the soap
Do not drop the soap in the shower. This is a mortal sin, and is punishable by soaping to death. The only type of soap that you are allowed to drop is Ivory since it smells bad, and it's white, not green like the Soap God.
Wow, quite the Clean Gestapo if you ask me. I did not know they used to value such cleaning methods even as far back as the 40s. Funny, I just thought this was a new age thing where everyone was clean, and we tried to weaken our immune systems as much as we can before we die.
As you can see, it requires me at least three hours to even go out and get the mail, let alone going to a dance where hundreds of people have the chance to see me. And we all know what happens if I am not clean, they will soap me to death!
P.S., Help, I am being forced to write this against my will. Chris is sitting here making me write this or else I will not be able to go to sleep until I do!
