This scene is common place in New Jersey

Those of you who are old enough to drive know that driving quickly becomes a pain in the ass, especially in New Jersey or other heavily populated areas where you share a bathroom with two neighboring houses and Mr. Ed, the local horse, who has behemoth bowel movements - because we have lots of horses in New Jersey. Such areas that are heavily populated include New Jersey, New Jersey, and New Jersey. These areas are known to be heavily populated with assholes, dirty politicians, illegal immigrants, and countless bad drivers. It's bad enough driving in New Jersey during normal driving conditions, add snow to the mix and traffic laws no longer exist and funeral homes see a spike in sales the following week.

It's an unspoken law here in New Jersey that when it snows (Which is almost never anymore because global warming is going to kill us all by next year) any and all traffic laws no longer apply. You can drive on the wrong side of the road while in reverse, use opposite signals when making a turn to "cleverly" fool the person behind you, drink, and masturbate without any clothes on while driving in the snow with your windows open. Hell, you could probably get away with letting your dog drive for the day while you take a nap in the back seat.

Snow might be the culprit for many accidents during the winter, but that doesn't explain how most other accidents happen in New Jersey during perfectly clear weather. I'm not talking about getting into an accident after swirving out of the way to miss hitting a little fat 10-year-old kid running after the ice cream truck, I'm talking about people backing up into objects that aren't moving, people driving off of cliffs (We don't even have cliffs here in New Jersey), splitting your car in half using a telephone pole, and even people thinking they can beat the yellow light they see a mile away in their landscaping truck.

There are many people out there on the roads that probably shouldn't be driving, and they probably don't even know it because they're too busy driving and not paying attention. It may be you. Especially you if you're reading this right now while driving. You probably shouldn't be driving. It seems as though the DMV here in New Jersey gives a license to anyone and anything with two legs. I saw Gumby driving next to me the other day. Maybe it was just some guy that looked like him. It's really hard to tell these days with the way kids dress.

People who shouldn't be driving

People who obviously shouldn't be driving

I'm going to run you the fuck over, and then deny doing it!

The first group is the obvious "people who obviously shouldn't be driving" group. This group contains old people, people who are legally blind, dogs, and some more old people who are older than the word, "old" itself. These are the people that you get stuck behind when you're already running late for work. They tend to drive 20 miles an hour slower than the speed limit allows, "just to be safe". You know, just incase a huge pile of snow appears on the road when it's 93 degrees out, or when fog sneaks up behind you. People in this first group don't tend to be involved in many of accidents aside from backing up over the occasional pedistrian or two because they didn't turn around when reversing. Instead these people cause others to have accidents. I asked Mrs. Andrews who lives next door to me if she knew she ran a guy off the road and her reply was, "Better him than me! Right?" These people are mearly driving road blocks and should probably have their licenses revoked and jammed down their throats upon their first accident over the age of 65.

People who talk on their cell phones while driving
You've probably seen people doing this while driving, I know I have, and it's even illegal in the State of New Jersey to operate a motor vehicle while talking on a cell phone.  I guess people figure when they are on their cell phone they aren't operating an automobile, rather they're operating a cell phone, so it's alright. Besides, everyone is doing it, so it must be ok, right? People cannot seem to put their cell phones down, especially while driving. People will make up lame excuses so they can talk on their cell phones while driving, such as, "I have to call my wife!" or "Let me call my [dead] mother to check up on how she's doing!" Even at three or four in the morning people will be talking on their cell phones while driving. My best guess is that they are talking to aliens, or are simply putting the phone next to their ear when they see a car approaching them to make seem like they are very important and are talking to someone at three in the morning.

In this same group there are the operators of municipal vehicles, trucks, and other abnormally heavy vehicles that require two hands to operate. These people are typically male - who probably don't have internet access or even running watrer in their houses so I don't have to worry about hate mail from them - and they tend to not take off their sun glasses - EVER. Period. End of story. People in this group think they should be able to use their cell phone while driving because they need it for work. I guess they're right, though. What difference does it make if someone's car gets destroyed or if someone gets run over? We can just build another one, right?

NOTE: I have still have yet to figure out how you operate a truck with a manual trasmission while talking on the phone without a hands free device. I guess they use their third leg.

Teenage Girls

Me + Cell phone = your ass dead

I believe this group is pretty obvious as well. Combine teenage girls and their impulse to make love to their cell phones and you have a receipe for disaster. Or maybe cookies. I've never made cookies before, so I don't know what you need to make them. I try to give them as much space as possible whenever I see one driving. If they're in front of me, I stay 10 car lengths back just incase they hit the wrong pedal. If they're coming towards me, I swirve off to the side of the road for fear of my life just incase they turn the wheel the wrong way when making a turn. Teenage girls are probably the single most dangerous driving hazard on the road - even worse than spike strips. They're probably even more dangerous than driving while painting your house, or a brick wall on the highway.



Soccer Moms

Hurry up Johnny! We're going to be late for temple!!!1

Some soccor moms are pretty good drivers, and some aren't. Oh who am I kidding, none of them are good drivers - They'e women! Obviously some are really supper duper busy and need to drive like maniacs because they have to drop off theirr two kids at school, go over to the neighbors house to bang the guy next door, pick up the kids from school, drive them to soccer practice, then to pianno lessons,  then to CCD, and then back to pianno lessons, and then finally to the emergency room after one childr collapses from utter exhaustion. These activities deffiantly warrent eratic driving

Dogs
This probably goes without saying, but dogs don't make good drivers. Even seeing eye dogs probably aren't up to the challenge of operating a motor vehicle. Though I will admit some dogs are smarter than some human beings. The last dog that I saw driving wound up behind bars because a passanger in the car was carrying an illegal substance. He probably would have been alright had he not chased the rabbit that ran accross the street while driving.

The list could go on and on...

Let's face it, the majority of people are idiots when it comes to driving, and probably equally dumb when it comes to anything else in life. Afterall, if you suck at driving, you must be a failure at life!