We often here the expression “soul mate” which refers to the one person on the planet who is our perfect match. As we grow older and seek a life partner, we often search for our soul mate. But how do we recognize them amongst the billion of people out there?

Hollywood would have you believe that you would recognize your soul mate the very first time you looked into their eyes. I mean, just look at the movies they come up with. The film “The Family Stone” for example, tells the story of a man who brings his girlfriend over to his parents for Christmas. He’s planning on proposing to her during the holidays but they turn out to be so incompatible that he instead falls in love with her sister and tries to marry her after spending… oh… like two hours with her. I’m sorry, but if that story represent what a true soul mate is, then there’s a lot of idiots out there.

I came to the conclusion long ago that there were no such things as soul mates. Actually, le me correct myself: I believe there are plenty of soul mates for us out there, not just one. The concept of the one person in the world who’s just right is yet another fabrication made by desperate people. The reason why I believe that this soul mate does not exist is primarily related to some simple observations of what goes on around me. For example, I know a lot of people who dated, then got married, and now claim to be soul mates. I know A LOT! And a significant portion of these couples both come from the same town. So, if it is in fact true that there is only one person for you out there on the entire planet, then why is it that so many people find their life partners in their own backyards? Some would argue that its pure coincidence and others would claim that they are not soul mates at all. But how would they know?

You see, when it comes to the topic of love, I don’t claim to be an expert and I only have my personal experiences and observations of others to support my claims, but overall I think we humans tend to fall in love all the time. Our capacity to love one another makes us worthy of an existence. Think about how many times you’ve fallen in love in your life. Every time, the experience was different and unique. Every time, there was something positive about it. Some times, it didn’t last. It happens. It is a fact that when you decide to share your life with someone else, it’s not all bells and whistles all the time. There are sacrifices and compromises to be made in order for the partnership to succeed. Sometimes, we reach a point where those sacrifices are no longer worth the benefits of the union so we quit and we start the process all over again, hoping to find someone who’s more compatible, hoping to find our soul mate.

If what I have described is a reality for you, and you are indeed searching for your soul mate, then let me give you some advice: If you think there is one single person out there who is just right for you, and you are just right for them, you are wrong. Stop looking for something that does not exists! Some people have wasted their lives searching for their true love, missing some very good opportunities along the way. They say that love makes you blind. You’ve all heard that before right? I disagree, I think it’s the need to be loved that makes us blind, and not love itself. I believe that the need to be loved is what drives us as human beings. In order to be loved, then we have no choice but to love others. So we love other human beings in hopes that they will return our love.

Sometimes, the love is not returned and that can be a painful experience. I have seen some people who were so afraid of being hurt by love that they stopped loving and hid from it like cowards. Some took up a hobby like golf or traveling; others hid behind their desks and became workaholics. But deep down, the need to be loved remains, and if that need isn’t fulfilled, then we grow to be miserable pathetic bitty old bags.

For some people, something very interesting happens when they run away from love for too long. They become bitter at the world. While it is true that we have the capacity to love, we are equally capable of hatred, which is the complete opposite of love. Love and hate, in the end, tend to be related. If a person ignores their need to be loved for to long, then that need is hidden so deep inside that it sometimes never resurfaces. Often, it is overshadowed by another substitute need, the need to hate. Because love has burned us so many times, because it has cause us so much grief, and because we fear the day that love will burn us once more, we just ignore it and replace it with something else. Maybe I can illustrate this with an example. Take a parent for example. A parent who wishes to have a child will love the child and nurture it until it becomes adult. What happens when the love is no longer returned by the child? What happens when the family unit becomes destabilized and non functional? What happens when the child does something that is unacceptable by the parents? What happens when the child “betrays” family values? What happens to the boy who tells his Christian parents he’s gay? Well… only two things can happen: love or hatred.

Every person has the potential of reaching that danger zone where love turns to hatred. I don’t want to call it the point of no return because it we still are capable of love even if we’ve crossed that point. We can come back from the dark side! Just like Dart Vader did. It’s true! That film, that scene actually illustrates what I’m trying to convey quite well.

What I am most proud of in our history as humans is the fact that this capacity to love is what allows us to evolve. Sure, its other things too like creativity, memory and language, but love is never mentioned and I think we need to give it some credit. Looking back at our history, I also note that the moments I am least proud of our civilization are the ones where we are driven by hatred. In a sense, it seems to me like there is a cycle between loving and hating and I ask myself if one must be able to hate in order to be able to love, or vice versa. In the end, I think that what makes love so valuable is our ability to hate. If there was no hatred in this world at all, then what good would love do?

So, although it seems like I’ve gone off topic from the soul mate discussions, I actually wanted to make the point that we don’t need to look far to find one of our soul mates. We are all capable of loving one another. Drop this nonsense about trying to find the one and only perfect person for you because there is no such thing. Put the checklist away because finding love isn’t like doing groceries. You can find love in practically anyone as long as you both let each other be loved by one another. Yes, it is more difficult with some vs others, but not impossible. We all have something to offer.

The final question I wish to pose is related to exclusivity. If we were given this wonderful ability to love each other, why should we love just one person? Why should we have just one life partner? Well, I think you’ll find different opinions on the subject, but I think my position is that there are reasons why we tend to pick one person and stick with it, and fundamentally, most of them are the wrong reasons. They relate to our competitive nature and our ability to hate. If I am to share my love amongst ten others, then will all ten be happy? Or will they compete for attention? Will they try to sabotage each other? Will I have favorites? While it is true that I have the capacity to love more than one person, would I be able to love them all equally? Well, I haven’t been trough the experience so I can’t answer. It’s not an experience that personally appeals to me so I guess I’ll never know. What I do know however is that the one reason I find acceptable to justify exclusivity in love is directly related to our need of love, not our capacity to give love. I think it’s a fair statement for the majority of the people that one of the most important quest in our existence is our search for love, specifically to be loved. When we find a person who can fulfill that need, then our selfish nature dictates that we don’t want to share. We just want to be loved. It’s a bit primitive really. It’s like having a bunch of starving individuals in a room and throwing a cheeseburger in the crowed. The person that grabs it, I assure you, will not want to share it. They need it, they crave it, and they’ll do what ever they can to keep it. So fine, if that’s how we are, then that’s how we are. Let us love each other exclusively but please, don’t waste your time traveling the world to find love. I assure you that you don’t need to go very far to find someone who can love you for who you are. And you’ll love them back.