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| Smoke that shit! |
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| Feb 08, 2006 at 02:54 PM | |
 Dispatch From the Funny Farm
Musings by Lucille Satan Samuel Volume I - Fire Breathing Geeks In the first installment of a self-discovery journey, LuciferSam attempts to crack the enigma of the tobacconist, in order to discover the place of smoking in a geek's society. Smoking. Everybody knows it's cool, hip, and good for your nose and throat. But what is it's biggest draw... and more importantly, is it fundamentally geeky? I've started a quest to find out what makes some of us inhale the flames of Nicotiana Tobacum and it's rugged variants since we found them in the South Americas in 1519. I want to know just what the hell makes me sit down with a pipe three or four times a day, and how it affects geeks of all kinds across the world! Let us start with the simple: Tobacco Nerds! Yes, those special people who will settle for nothing less than the perfect pipe smoke, the ideal Bolivar cigar, or the finest Nat Sherman cig. Like a sommelier, a gourmand, or even a simple pin head, the Tobacco Nerd culls tobacco not simply as a physical addiction, but as a freakish hobby! I recently tracked down one such man; a Tobacconist named Jason Whiticker. I made him talk with veiled threats of a very unfortunate Call of Cthulhu session next Wednesday, and he shed some light on his nerdiness, and he consented to an interview not hours ago! I was there with my Casio recorder to get it all. Obviously, what your are about to read may awe you, so be careful... Luci: Alright lad, I want to first thank you for getting this impromptu teleconference together. Jason: Wait a minute, what teleconference? You're loitering in my shop. You've been loitering here for an hour sampling tobacco and threatening me. L: Exactly so. Feel free to give your character back 14 sanity points next session for this, but for now, lets get back to the topic at hand: your weed fixation. Is tobacco considered a weed? J: In some areas, it is considered a predatory plant, sure. Weed fixati... L: Just so. Tell me how you came to be a tobacco fiend. Keep it short, flah. J: It's been in the family, I suppose. My father owned a cigar importing shop in North Carolina for the longest time, before the Cuban embargo, and I picked up the love from him. My father took all his pleasure seriously (at this point Jason gave a very unsettling chuckle and I was afraid I might have to club him.) L: How did you come to the northwest then? J: Uh, Reed College, down in Portland. I just kind of fell in love with the area, it was all fresh and different from the east coast. I've lived out here 19 years now. Opened this shop 7 years ago, and business has really been steady. L: I imagine it's one of the only places left in town where you can light up and have a drink. J: Other than some of my rivals, that's about right. But business is always good, as you know I focus mostly on pipes and a very select amount of cigars. L: Wine as well. J: Wines, imported beers, it's good to mix pleasures. L: I agree, I agree. Your beard doesn't exist, though. J: Beard? L: Greatest pleasure of all. Never mind, anyway, as you know I am compiling a very important article here on the esoteric values of complete tobacco nerds. J: Sure. L: And, em.. you are one. Quite a nerd really. So, in this first interview, I want to know... just how passionate do you get? Have you ever gotten lost in the passions of the perfect smoke. J: Always. I think the thing about [pipe] smoking especially, as a pleasure, is that it presents this whole new character to you. You become a more determined, introspective person. So I'm always looking to improve what I can offer with my blends. L: You blend all the pipe tobaccos yourself, then? J: Oh yes, I used to carry some of Davidoff's tins but... L: Not as they say... up to snuff? J: I hate you. L: Now, I'm smoking one right now called Brandywine. What goes into that? J: As you know, since you always buy me out, it's a wonderful blend. It has several different textures to it, both in flavour and scent. I start it off with a burgundy [wine] flavoured light Virginian, it starts off nice and mildly sweet. That leads into the Number 5 Watson blend, which is a very interesting English bitter, but with a little sweetness in the form of vanilla. Then it finishes with my personal favorite, which I call the Took Hall blend, another light Virginian with just a dash of English bitters. It gives it a very smooth finish, but the smoke smells absolutely robust. L: And in the spirit of smoothe finishes, I have to go write this up, and you're boring me. I'll see you tomorrow, we'll pick this back up. FOR SEGMENT TWO! Later, ye bastard. My first scouting into the mind of a tobacco fiend was almost too daunting for me to return to my favorite coffeehouse to right this up, so I sat down for a quiet pipe first. That done, I had to decipher his meanings... obviously, they speak in deep code. Carolina? Cuban? College? Obviously they base their language around C's. I will keep you updated, Geeks, with my next report! Until then I must work on this codex... codex... all the C's!             |
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| Last Updated ( May 21, 2006 at 10:39 PM ) |
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