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 | | Doing a GIS for 'Jolly' yielded this image of a jolly man. |
I was recently presented with a rather interesting question not too long ago, which was more like a week ago now that I think about it. If I remember correctly, the question went something like, "Why don't you update the main page of your site anymore?". Right then and there it hit me like a retarded person hitting a baseball with a baseball bat that I have a website with a main page which also has to be updated every month or so to keep the readers semi-happy. After all, I know everyone just walks around the internet as mad as can be and wanting to hurt someone for no reason by sending someone "harassing" emails.
"Simple" thought I. After giving it some thought, there were scant few things that could be written about that would make people even madder than they already were. Of those few things, "Bad holiday gift ideas" and "How to make a flesh magnet". Since I really don't know how to make a magnet that attracts flesh, I decided to go with the latter - Bad holiday gift ideas. You know, "What gifts will kill your child" or "What not to get her for Christmas [Or Chanukah, or Kwanzaa]"
Keep in mind, I do run this website, I do manage multiple computers at one time, I do work, I do need sleep, and generally I don't consider myself as having much of a "social life" because of such things, unlike many of you reading this while sitting in front of your computer, alone in the dark, probably looking for mp3s, or even worse, porn. So I might not know all of the "cool" or "hip" holiday gift ideas which you people know about that are out in stores because I have not been able to get to an actual "store" in weeks, if not months. Nothing
The worst thing to get someone is nothing. Sure, you can give someone a box full of human feces, at least they know that you thought about them for a second or two, but nothing? Nothing will make them think that you totally forgot about them all together. At least giving someone a box of human feces will let them know "Hey, at least I thought about you. It's the thought that counts, right?". You don't want to wind up giving someone nothing as a gift. As a rule of thumb, at least give them something, anything, just so they know that you thought about them for a second or two. Trust me. It helps.
 | | No! Do not even think of buying anything from one of these! |
Anything From A Dollar Store
I lied. The worst thing that you can get for someone is something, anything, from a dollar store. At least when someone gives you a gift and you have nothing to return you can proudly say, "I didn't want to get you anything from the dollar store because it would break by the time you opened it, and besides I'm too cheap to get you anything!" That lets them know that you care about them enough to not let their heart get broken. Just think, what would happen if you were to give your grandson some helicopter shooter thingie and it doesn't even work when he goes to use it? I guarantee you he'll throw a big fit and blame it all on you. You don't want that to happen.
Low Fat Cookbooks
We both know it. Cindy is a little chubby. Not too bad, but she could use a little weight. She just so happened to put a cookbook on her list for you to pick up for her. You have two cookbooks in your hand, one is a book on how to make 101 cakes, and the other is a low-fat cookbook teaching how to make "good and nutritious" meals from things like rubber and tofu. You're really not too concerned about how they feel when everything is all said and done, you've been shopping for 4 hours straight now and have not had a chance to sit down for more than 5 minutes, and the price difference on the two books are astonishing. 70.99 for the 101 cake cookbook, and only 17.99 for the low-fat cookbook. Instead of being nice, you decide to get the low-fat cookbook for chubby Cindy and offend her a little.
 | | Wouldn't these look a lot prettier if they were something like cable TV? |
Flowers
Every guy thinks that getting a nice arrangement of flowers for his lady friend is a good idea. Sure, they look pretty and all for the first two days that you have them, but then since it's winter and the heat is on, they get dried out and die pretty fast. That's great. They lasted for a full five days. How would you like a gift of your to last you a whole five days? Yea that's what I thought. Why not buy your lady friend a month of cable for about the same price? Instead of it lasting only a week or so, it lasts for the entire month, and it's always there for when you need it to be - day or night. From experience, I don't know if any of those mentioned ideas really piss people off. It's not like I purposely stop at dollar stores and think, "hmm... this would be a good present for Cousin Mike" or, "Wow! Mom has always been looking for one of these pin wheels for the kitchen!"
It's far too late for me to find out now, for the first time in decades I have gotten all of my holiday shopping done more than a week before the big day when everyone does that whole gift exchanging thing at like 6 in the morning.
 Fat Featured Music
Although I haven't really been so active on the main page for the past, oh, three months, I have been able to acquire some rather cool people on the forums as of late. Little did I know, several of them compose their own music, which I'm happy to say doesn't suck. Yes. That's right, it's worth the fifteen second download if you have cable, or the 15-day download if you have something else like some "rly l33t DSL connection" or a "l33t AOL cable modem". Some more of their works can be found here.
Jay Merrifield - Beautiful (2.5 MB)
Ho0ber - Chairs (5.3 MB)
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