HEY KIDS! NEW FROM JINK CO.!

Are you tired of the disdain of your peers? Your failing grades? Your continual hideous face-melting acne? Your parents getting you down with talk of responsibility? Jenny the cheerleader won't give you the time of day? Bobby didn't ask you to the prom? Can't afford a car? Are you a goth?

Well, if so, kids, the choice is clear: SUICIDE SHOES!

Sure, you've talked about killing yourself before, and may have even attempted it. Why not assure success with this new wonderful product? SUICIDE SHOES! EXTREME!!!

Other methods of self-termination are unreliable. Sure, pills can work, but what if someone finds you first? Try explaining why you've got a stomachful of Flinstones vitamins! Putting your head in the stove is SO 1950s. You can miss with a gun, and just make yourself uglier than you already are. But with SUICIDE SHOES, you can't fail, no matter how big a loser you are. You just put the shoes on, fasten the straps, and let the shoes do the thinking for you. These shoes are smarter than you.

SUICIDE SHOES will end your existence in one of three ways:

Killing yourself has never been so cool!

The shoes, using their advanced geographical positioning devices, will choose a location far from anyone else, bounce you there, and hold you in place. You're immobile until you die! Trying to remove the shoes at this point results in massive electric shocks, making changing your mind at the last minute a thing of the past.

2) FIRE!
The shoes will burst into flames, eating you alive with the welcome pain of death.

3) BEES!
SUICIDE SHOES are capable of emitting an odour that drives bees mad! MAD FOR YOUR DEATH! Watch as swarms of angry bees sting your troubles away!

(Jink Co. takes no responsibility for any injury/death caused by improper or proper use of Suicide Shoes. All attempts to contact Jink Co. for liability charges will be forwarded to a serial killer along with your name and address.)

Ok, kids. So you've successfully killed yourself with Suicide Shoes. Good for you! But now what? How do you meet your maker?

Do you want to go in some sissy-ass coffin that your grandmother got buried in? OLD PEOPLE COFFINS? Hell no! You want cutting edge. You want stylish. That's why Jink Co. brings you...

EXTREME ROLLERBLADE COFFINS OF COOLNESS!

AWWWW YEEEAAAAHHHH*HACK ACK ARRGH! My throat really hurts when I do that.

Go to the grave in style! Hot chicks will come to your funeral and cry because you are so cool while dead! Be the envy of all your dead or not-dead friends! In case you're pondering the $13,000 price tag, allow me to reiterate:

EXTREEEEEEEEEMEEEEEE!!!!!!

(Jink Co. does not take responsibility for the poisonous fumes that the EXTREME ROLLERBLADE COFFINS OF COOLNESS! may or may not produce.)

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