Letters.

Dearest,
I am a 42 year old widow with two daughters aged 14 and 17. My husband was an army officer. An officer and a gentleman. But the cold hands of death took my sweetheart away in the battle field while on a peace keeping mission in Sierra Leone.

I have been left alone, lonely, sad and angry. I have been trying to secure my husband gratuity from the army but to no avail. It has been from one office to other, from one story to another, oh what a pity.Anyway, I am an accountant and I work for UNION BANKPLC. I was recently given an assignment to find the relative of a dead customer of ours who left a closing balance of 18.5 Million United State dollars. It may interest you to know that it is the policy of the bank that in the event of not being able to locate the next of kin of any dead client, the closing balance of the client is donated to the Trust Fund of the West African Peace keeping force (ECOMOG). It was at this same requirement that my husband did his LAST TOUR OF DUTY! To be quite sincere, efforts have been made over the past two years to locate Mr. Johnson Creek next of Kin, all to no avail as he had no wife nor any known children.

It was at this juncture that I was saddled with the task of trying to locate his relations. Mr. Johnson Creek was from Sweden but held an American passport.

I shall stop here for now but should this project of mine interest you,do not hesitate to call my family attorney on his phone line +234-803-3267962 so that he will furnish you with more details.

Nevertheless, it goes without saying this project will be of mutual benefit.Please,if this project interest you dont fail to reply me because I want to tranfer the money out of the country.

Awaiting your prompt reply to enable me give guidlines on how to procede.

May God guide your thoughts

Best Regards
Mrs Linda Umar
"linda umar" < >

Hi Linda! It sure sounds like you have a doozy of a problem, what with your husband getting strangled by death and all. Guess he should've been "keeping his own peace" in Sierra Leone! Ha ha, widow.

Anyway, you claim to be "alone, lonely, sad and angry", but don't worry! Millions of angsty teenagers worldwide are right there with you! I suggest you hook up with some 15 year-old from Wyoming, and watch as your troubles float away under his videogame-strengthened fingers. If accused of child molestation, mention that you're a war widow. People love that sort of thing.

As for the money and this Johnson Creek thing, I have to tell you: I am Johnson Creek. Please send your non-existant money to my imaginary bank account, the number and access codes for which are as follows:

#57261-777-9029 pin: 774622

Thanks for writing!

Dear Lacerda,

I'm a 13 year old girl and I wanted to know what it's like to be when you reach your late teens as you have. I've never had a boyfriend, but I'm sure a girl like you has had plenty, after all you seem so witty and cute. I'm wondering if giving a guy a blowjob will make me not a virgin anymore. Thank you for your help.

Sandy

I've got a better question for you, "Sandy". Why would a 36-year old man claim to be a 13-year old girl expressing curiosity about blowjobs? You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool me, pb, and even then, I work the night-shift, so I'm already awake! I AM INVINCIBLE! *ahem*

Dear Dr. Lacerda,

I'm a female with two roommates: another female and a male. The male just moved in recently (and none of us are physically involved with each other).

My problem is that I suspect that this guy doesn't flush the toilet. He hasn't left any 'floaters' or anything, but sometimes I'll see tissue in there. And one time I went into the bathroom and it smelled very strongly of garlic, especially near the toilet, and the smell went away when I flushed it.

Is it possible that this is the case? Is it common for guys to do this? And how in the world to I breech the subject with him? He is usually a very clean and hygiene conscious person.

-anonymous

Wow, a real letter! Crikey! I guess I should bust out the old "advice" hat and put that sucker on and get pontificating on this one. I think I know what's going on here, anonymous. Your male roommate is making dinner in the bathroom. Why else would it smell like garlic? Yes, dissatisfied with the meals that are typically made in the "kitchen", your roommate has decided to push the culinary envelope and expand his gastronomical horizons! I think we can all learn a lesson from him.

That's all for this week, and probably all in general thanks to the overwhelming lack of response. Ze doctor, he iz out.

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