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 | | This is a haunted house. It might be haunted inside! |
Here I am on October 30th, the night before Halloween, commonly called "Mischief Night", writing this while some "rly kewl" and hip teens might be vandalizing my gazing ball on the front yard by rolling it down the street and playing kickball with a 10 pound metal ball! Or even worse, they might be planting a one-pound brick of hash in my car and then take off my licenses plates so I get pulled over by the police and they question me about that suspicious looking package in the back that I managed NOT to see while getting in the car.
Enough guessing what those "rly kewl" teens might be doing outside my house right now, and on to what you (and I) really want to know - Why the hell is Halloween what it is today?!
Most of the two readers from the United States might know what Halloween is about, but some of the three users from Asia and Antarctica might not know why kids (and 'rly kewl' 19-year-olds who listen to Bob Marley and like to play with gay-colored hacky sacks while wearing sandals with socks on) dress up on this one day of the year when they already dress up like clowns the rest of the 364 days of the year, sometimes 365 days if it is a leap year.
Halloween, according to the Soccer Moms that run the Yahooligans! (ASK FOR YOUR PARENT'S PERMISSION BEFORE CLICKING ON THAT LINK) web site who graduated from their high school and thought they were done with their years of education, is basically a tradition started by the Celts to "scare away" the evil spirits that would come back from the dead on this one "special day" which just happened to be the last day of the year according to the Celts.
Some of the two of you left reading this might be thinking, "How the hell did you go from scaring evil spirits away to having costumes called 'Seductive Devil'?!" Don't worry, I was wondering that too. Apparently many people get scared of "sexy" images. Such as mothers of girls who dress up to be a "Seductive Devil" or fathers of kids who might be seduced by such seductive devils. Over the years there have been many costumes that have changed the way we view Halloween. It started off as dead goats or cow-bats which had six feet, and now in the year 2002 we have sluts and gangsters, oh my!  | | Just what the caption says. Except this cow was really found some place in Ireland, and about 4000 years ago before cameras were invented |
The beginning
Back sometime in the year Idontknow the Celts believed that they had to scare away evil spirits which would try to eat them on this one day of the year, and only this one day of the year. In order to scare away some already scary and evil spirits, they had to dress up scary and be able to scare the evil spirits away - or be scared to death and then eaten. Someone by the name of William Scott came up with the bright idea to kill a cow, skin it and dry out the skin so it could be worn in hopes of scaring away evil spirits. That didn't work. Needless to say in all of William's great efforts, he was eaten along with the rest of the people that year. The next year someone by the name of Scott Williams came up with the idea to kill a cow, skin it and dry out the skin so it could be worn, along with making some big ears and over-sized wings from a bat. October 31st came running along, and alas Scott Williams was left alive with him and his cow-bat costume. This is what started the whole tradition off. Scary things seemed to work
Sometime in the 1736
After about 1500 years after Halloween had been invented by Scott Williams, kids in the new world (known as the United States of American today) had it with everything being scary, they wanted to be rebels like kids tend to be and try something else. Instead of dressing as a cow-bat (which was one of the two costumes that you could choose from. The other was a butt-head.) kids wanted to be "warriors" and other cool idols of their time such as George Washington. Back then, the more toilet paper rolls you had in your hair, the more people should fear you. So for the entire 634 days (or 365 days if it was a leap year), kids would not throw out any used toilet paper rolls that they had lying around. When October 31st came around, they were all set to make a massive wig of wake curly hair. If you didn't have at least 106 rolls in your hair, too bad. You were eaten by the evil spirits. Maybe next lifetime you could please them.
Sometime in the year 1850
 | | Watch out now! Buffalo Bill coming through! |
No longer was it cool to put a hundred or so toilet paper rolls in your hair, so kids needed to be the rebels that they are and change what they wanted to be for Halloween. Now they at least had a decent selection of what they wanted to dress up as. They could choose from a cow-bat, a butt-head, or a person with a hundred and six toilet paper rolls on his head. As we all know, those were not good enough for them, they were after all kids. The kids of that time came up with the notion that people with lots of gold teeth and clinky boots would scare people (and evil sprits, mind you) away. Just like today, anything that was shiny went. If it could reflect light, you attach it to your body in hopes that it would repel evil spirits, as well as attract females (or males) who were not evil spirits. If you did not have at least two pounds of metal on you, and did not produce at least 70 decibels when walking, you would be eaten by the evil spirits. Maybe next lifetime you could please them.
Sometime in the 1950s
Just after World War II ended, Japanese people were feared much like how people tend to fear Muslims nowadays because they think all Muslims carry bombs around with them where ever they go. If you wanted to scare people away, all you had to say is that you were from Japan, or knew someone who came from Japan, and people would run away from you like you had the plague or something else that was deemed "not good" such as bad luck with women. Kids who didn't know better than to classify people they didn't know, dressed up like Japanese people for Halloween over the span of ten years and scared away people as well as evil spirits. If you were not Japanese enough, or did not smoke enough, you would be eaten by the evil spirits. Maybe next lifetime you could please them.
Sometime in the year 2000
 | | This was probably a football player before he was struck by a car |
By this day and age we have entered into the time where it has become terrifying to be a baby and look like a baby, or dress up like a gangster and pretend that you're going to put a cap in someone's ass for looking at you the wrong way. The most feared thing of them all nowadays is to wear one of your school's sports uniforms around school to represent your team and true gayness. Many people who are either partake in cheerleading, or on the football team will insist on making themselves look dead and wear those costumes around school so they can say that they are either a "dead cheerleader" or a "dead football player". Needless to say, people are scared shitless of dead cheerleaders who overdosed on rice cakes, or football players who didn't know which way to look while crossing the street and took an unlucky guess. Evil spirits better watch out the next ten years because we're loaded with dead cheerleaders and dead football players who took an unlucky guess while trying to figure out which way to look before crossing the street.
Don't ask me about the dead cheerleader and dead football player part, I didn't write that. In fact, I don't know who the hell wrote that, but I found it rather amusing so I copy and pasted it here so you can read it thinking that I actually wrote it.
As for my gazing ball, well, I don't actually have a gazing ball that someone could take and use it to play kickball with. I do, however, have a sprinkler that looks like a pig that some "rly kewl" kids could take and perhaps throw it in the nearby lake if they wanted to. That reminds me, I better go take that in now before I give my neighbors any bright ideas. God knows they hate me!
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