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| CEOHYEAH! |
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| Jan 16, 2006 at 06:46 PM | |||
 
Lacerda, News CorrespondentIn this age of corrupt and greedy executives, it's about time we started seeing high-ups taking responsibility for their actions, and the action of their companies. In order to promote goodwill, many CEOs have taken to issuing letters of explanation and contrition regarding unpopular company acts, policies, or occurances. I've managed to procure a few of these letters, and for your education and amusement, I will post them here. Like this (watch):
CEO Kellogg's Corporation Dear valued customers, Long has the advertisment for Kellogg's Raisin Bran espoused the "two scoops of raisins in every box", as we considered it to be our crowning achievement regarding raisin distribution and raisin to box ratio..
The fact that so many of our commericals not only dwelled on this fact but included it in a delightful jingle form is made all the more painful in light of recent events. It's like a stabbing pain in the abdomen, sort of like being shot with a .22 by a hooker to whom you denied payment. You see, from here on in, Kellogg's Raisin Bran will have not two, but merely ONE scoop of raisins. I can already hear your cries of outrage and dismay at this, so much so that I feel an immediate explanation is indubitably in order. At the main Kellogg's factory in Boise, Idaho, we have two industrial scoop devices, commonly referred to by their pet names, Scoop #1 and Scoop #2. Scoop #2 has broken down in an unprecedented act of breaking, and quite frankly, we're not sure how to deal with it. Jim tried to glue the fucker back on, but we got tired of waiting for the glue to set, and we kept taking breaks from holding it in place, so it kept getting all bendy and falling off.
In conclusion, one scoop, broken scoop, if you can fix a scoop, come on down.
CEO Grand & Toy Dear employees,
Well shit. I'm not sure what happened to payroll. I could swear I had it in my car, but my wife Linda and I have both looked pretty thoroughly, you know, under the seat, and neither of us could find it. A lot of you must be wondering why I had sixteen million dollars in my car, and it's actually a really funny story, but my lawyer is all like: "If you print that, I quit" and stuff, so I was all: "Son of a bitch!" and then we both laughed and smoked $280 cigars for a while. Ok, so that's the payroll bit. I also realize many of you are all: "What's with the mandatory daily anal photography?" and that's a valid question. I think I've heard some people insinuate that I like to collect pictures of people's exposed rectums, and my lawyer says that this is "categorically untrue". Anyway, you've got to admit, stuffing calculators up your ass as you leave is a pretty big concern at Grand & Toy, and if I said, "Ok, no more anal photography", then I bet a lot of you would start trying it. C'mon, look me in the eye and tell me you wouldn't. Despite the fact you're only reading this, I'm gonna say "That's what I thought, yeah."
CEO Baskin Robbins Dear employees, Ok, for the last time now, repeat after me - "Our thirty-one delicious flavours of icecream DO NOT contain the flavour "Your mom". When asked about any type of icecream, you will NOT respond in any manner with the phrase "Your mom."" Here is an example of what NOT to do:
Customer: "Hey that looks pretty good. What flavour is that?" NO! This is also NOT acceptable:
Customer: "Wow, I sure am hungry for some icecream right now!" NO! The same goes for the following exchange:
Customer: "How much is all that?" NO! WRONG! I can't emphasize this enough. There are to be no mom jokes at Baskin Robbins. We've all had a mom at one point, except for Mike, and we know what it's like when someone makes fun of her. So stop it. Just...stop.
CEO FutureShop             |
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