This was a little thing I wrote a while ago, and because Chris' brain has been burnt to a deep crisp in the grease frier, I'm posting it on here now as a replacement.
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Really, take a close look. I'm worried about you.

I found your black toque on the train, and I'm thinking your head could be really cold.

Are you bald? Cause I can see how that would be pretty problematic. Without hair to warm your bulbous head, you'll lose body heat at a rather startling rate. I don't want to find your blue-tinged cadaver at the train platform, you know.

Look, I've got your stupid toque here. Doesn't that concern you? How oblivious could you possibly be? YOUR HAT IS GONE! You left it on the bloody floor, man. On the floor. Like some type of slovenly jerk throwing out some unwanted item. Is that it? Is that what this hat is to you? Garbage?

I'll have you know that there are a lot of people who could use a hat like this. Are you some kind of solipsistic moron or what? You uncaring bastard! How could you? How could you abandon a fine hat like this to the tribulations of this cruel world? Is it not good enough for you? Were you born with a goddamned silver spoon in your mouth? This is a fine hat! An exemplary piece of headwear!

In fact, I put it to you that this hat is far too good for you. That concern I expressed towards your person earlier has evapourated like so much 7-up I left on my dresser two weeks ago.

You know what? To commemorate this little change in my attitude, I've decided to rename this article. I'm going to call it: Hat Too Good For Dumbass, or perhaps Intimidated Invertebrate Ditches Splendid Hat. No wait, I've got it now: Hatless Dick is a Real Dick. Hmm...

Maybe I've been to harsh. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions. Or.. MAYBE YOU AND ALL YOUR KIN SHOULD BE PROCESSED INTO GLUE!

Ok, I'll make you a deal. If you come and get your hat within a fortnight, then I'll concede I may have been a bit hasty in my judgements.

Just come get your black toque already.

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