Fat cats are very popular. There's even a tatoo place called "Fat Kat Tatoo".

However, I really can't go too far into dogs and cats being overweight primarily because I cannot actually talk to one, and they can't talk to me. So I'll have to stick with humans because I can talk to them. Well, some of them for that matter.

I've always wondered, "What drives them to eat that much?" or "How can they eat that much?" Those two questions have always baffled my mind. There've been others, many others, but those are two that I have always wondered whenever I see someone that is overweight and looks like they could eat me alive. I mean, after all, how can you complain about being fat if you're the only one that can feed yourself?! Of course, it's not their fault that their fat, it's just that the grease company didn't put a label on the side of their product that said, "WARNING! Drinking this will make you become fat and make you want to sue us! Do not drink!"

I wanted answers to these questions because I have had enough of fat people eating ten pounds of food and wondering why they've gained another twelve. I decided to take matters into my own hands and actually go out and interview one of these... things. I had to lure him with a nice Double Quarter Pounder from McDonald's with no lettuce, no tomato, extra cheese, light on the ketchup, tons of mustard and WELL DONE onions.

Chris: So Howard, how are you today?
Howard: I'm hungry!
Chris: Well you know what, you're just in luck, I've got a Double Quarter Pounder from McDonald’s. Just the way you like it! No lettuce, no tomato, extra cheese, light on the ketchup, tons of mustard and WELL DONE onions!
Howard: Hand it over! I'm hungry!
Chris: Here yo...
Howard: Hot damn! This look goooood!
Chris: Uh... yea, I guess so.
Howard: Mmm mmm! Check out the buns on that!
Chris: Right. Anyway, so Howard, how many times a week do you eat fast food? Howard: At least three times. I try to rotate all of them though. You know, hit all of them on Highway 34 during the week at least one time
Chris: What happened to that Double Quarter Pounder I just gave you?

This is not much unlike Howard. Except Howard was white.

Howard: What do you mean what happened to it?
Chris: Where did it go?
Howard: In my stomach. Why? You want it back?
Chris: No! That's alright Howard. It's on the house.
Howard: That was a fine Double Quarter!
Chris: I'll take your word for it. So how long have you been eating fast food now on a weekly basis?
Howard: How long? I don't even remember that's how long ago it was. At least when I was in kindergarten.
Chris: Aren't you worried about your health?
Howard: No, are you kidding me? I've never been in better shape.
Chris: Shape? Do you mean round like the sun or something even bigger?
Howard: Uh uh! Shut it!
Chris: I'm just wondering why you're mad at the fast food industry for "making you fat".
Howard: They always advertise it as "Fast Food", not "Fat Food"! How should I have known that it's not good for me? They don't tell me this stuff you know!
Chris: I know, but it's just common...
Howard: NO! I don't want to hear about common sense. No one needs that shit.
Chris: What are you talking about? Common sense is the only thing that keeps some people alive!
Howard: That's all you computer people talk about... Common sense this, common
sense that! All I wanted is some food and food that comes fast, I don't need all this "common sense" talk out of all the people that work there. It's total bull shit! Chris: You didn't know that a Double Quarter Pounder can add weight to you?
Howard: No... I did... Why you little!
Chris: Please, don't eat me! Here! Take this free extra value meal card!

At that point I was literally walking for my life. Howard really wasn't all that fast of a runner, but once he got you in his grip, you really could escape since he was so good at grabbing all that greasy food over the years. Go figure.

I don't know what ever happened to Howard either. I'd say he weights around 300 pounds and is shorter than me - at least five foot, five inches. He's got this nasty pound that's protruding from his groin area which I find rather disturbing, and he lacks common sense and enough wit to make him realize that he is a fat lazy slob.

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