Yesterday I found a penny. Always curious like a cat that has had its curiousity glands pumped up with some kind of steroid cocktail, I decided to do a bit of research on this penny and its past owners before bestowing it with the much-desired accolades that go along with the title "Lucky Penny".

SPAAAACCEEE PEEENNNNYYYY!! My penny looked much like this one, except it wasn't in orbit, and also Canadian.

(Interesting note: "Lucky Penny" was the name of a Michigan woman who, in 1964, was struck by lightning seventeen times and lived. Her lack of a face somewhat belies this amusing nickname, and the only thing she ever does is scream in pain. What a kook!)

In order to properly get an idea of what this penny had been up to in the past, I scanned it, and then ran an image search using this file. This may only work in Hollywood movies with their loose interpretation of the way computers operate, but luckily my sense of reality is so badly skewed that this didn't seem to affect me.

Immediately, the search I did brought up several hits, and once my family calmed down and we all cleaned up the blood, I got these search returns:

1) This penny was in the possession of Gertrude Baskers, a 78 year-old retiree. On her way to her regular Thursday game of Bingo, she was struck by a 18-wheeler and thrown into the path of three more 18-wheelers, before being run over by a 18-wheeler. En route to the hospital, her ambulance was struck by a convoy of 18-wheelers, each knocking her limp body another 45 metres down the road before her corpse finally came to rest in a ditch. When it was discovered two days thereafter, it was inhabited by a family of squirrels who had converted it into a makeshift exoskeleton that they used to rob grocery stores. Chief among the items they stole - peanut butter & dish detergent.

Sexy, sexy Gertrude about to get hit.

2) During the creation of the Limelight Casino in Las Vegas, there were severe structural problems with the foundation that was put down. Initially, this was thought to be because the casino was built on a large pile of corpses, but this was later disproven. In reality, and in the astral and ethereal planes, the problem was a single penny. THE PENNY. It was accidentally molded into one of the cornerstones, but the problem was ignored in favour of cutting costs and steamy hooker sex, and so it went unfixed. Later, the casino collapsed and killed 800 people. Don't worry about them though, they were living in sin, what with the gambling and all.

3) As one of the first pennies dropped from the CN Tower, the "lucky penny" burned a hole through the skull of one Rick Holden, who went on to become a serial killer that specialized in serially killing old women with trucks. That's killing them with a truck, not killing them if they own a truck. Cause that would be a lot of killing. It's theorized that the hole the penny put in Rick's brain was responsible for severing the "Don't Kill" wire in his brain, thereby driving him to a life of crime. He currently resides in a prison, and wrote the screenplay for "RollerBall". Because he has a hole in his brain, you see.

4) The penny then spent some time in the eyesocket of Mack "Blinky" Mitchell, a truck-driver from out west who would go on a sexy journey to the centre of the earth where there were dinosaurs and strangely clean blonde women who wore furry bikinis and there was some kind of sexual tension in the air but Mack was all like "Fuck y'all! I'm the Mack" & then there was an explosion. Argh.

Ok, honestly, my days are all messed up because I'm working nights. I've had less than 12 hours of sleep in the past five days, and frankly, I'm arbitrarily choosing whether I write numbers as numbers or spell them out, and that's not a good thing. I'd sure like to continue the silliness, but in the end, I think I'd rather go lie down and pretend to get some rest. Maybe I'll make some tea or something.

As far as this update goes, I'll just give you the formula, and then you can do it yourselves:

-Pick random topic.
-Expound on random topic, occasionally using "clever" play on words.
-Maybe include inside joke.
-Make bawdy reference to religious figure and/or celebrity.
-Pander.
-Ramble aimlessly.
-See above.
-Do a google image search for pertinent image.
-Slap together in Newspro, disregarding HTML.
-Treat others badly.

It's just that easy! Now everyone can update the page! YAAAAY!

---