Quite recently, I wrote an article about the words of the pope, and what they really meant. In light of how blasphemous the article was, I got off surprisingly easy with the feedback. Or at least I thought I did. As it turns out, there was a certain individual who was most displeased with what I had written. However, as I always record all my phone calls for...uh...business reasons, I can post the transcript of this conversation on here for everyone to read. ---------------------------------------------------
(phone rings)
Lacerda: Hello?

Caller: WHAT...THE...FUCK!!

L: I'm sorry?

C: What the fuck was that?

L: What the fuck was what?

C: You know what I'm talking about, asshole.

L: Uh, do you have the right number?

C: (recites my number)

L: Well, are you sure you're speaking to the right person?

C: Asshole. You're (my real name), aren't you?

L: Uh, yeah. What's your problem?

C: Oh, gee, I dunno.

A phone, not unlike the one I use for talking to people.

L: If you don't know, then why are you calling me and yelling in my ear?

C: HELLO! It's called sarcasm, you fucking twink. I thought you'd be familiar with it since you're constantly employing it. Fucker.

L: Ok, who is this?

C: This is god, motherfucker. And I'm full of what you'd call righteous vengeance.

L: Right, ok, goodbye then.

(I hang up the phone here, and then check my call display. It reads "HEAVEN, FUCKER") (phone rings again)

God: If you hang up on me again, I'm giving you eye cancer.

L: Cancer of the eye?

G: That's right, bitch. Eye cancer. Yeah, your eye stops working. And then you die. How would you feel about that?

L: Uh, not very good I guess. So you're god, huh?

G: You catch on fast.

L: What do you want with me exactly?

G: I'd like to talk to you about that update you wrote for that website.

L: Which one?

G: Which update? Or which website?

L: Huh?

G: Which of which, dumbass?

L: What?

G: Ah, fucking humans. You're so fucking braindead.

L: God, do you have tourettes?

G: Shut the fuck up, I invented tourettes.

L: That's actually something I've al-

G: SHUT

L: But I can get the ans-

G: FUCK

L: Why did -

G: UP!

L: ...

G: Ok, first. On a website called "The Geekery", you wrote an article making fun of the pope.

L: ...

G: You can talk now.

L: It was a joke. I don't seriously believe that the pope drinks the blood of children.

G: He really does, but that's not the issue here. My problem lies with the fact you mocked him in the first place. He's supposed to be my infallible representative there on earth.

L: Wouldn't it make more sense to not have him continuing to represent you when he's like a bajillion years old?

G: Yes, yes it would. Unfortunately for you, I work in mysterious ways.

L: Heh.

G: And that's funny why?

L: That's a U2 song.

G: What, the pope?

L: That would be even more amusing, but no. You know, U2. "She works in mysterious ways..."

G: Ok, first off, I'm actually going to restructure the entire universe so you can never sing again.

L: Uh c-

G: Yeah, and second, I know the song, ok? I know everything. I'm god, right?

L: I guess.

G: Yeah, and I know. Because I'm god. Alright, so you know not to make fun of the pope any more, ok?

L: No more pope-mocking. Check.

G: Second. Gay marriages.

L: Oh.

G: The article you posted on Hacker Network. That had nothing to do with hacking whatsoever.

L: You don't read HN very often, do you god?

G: Can't say as I do. Anyway, I'm against the whole gay people getting married issue.

L: Really?

G: Ha ha, no. No, I don't really give a flying fuck one way or another. You know, everything is beautiful in my eyes and stuff.

L: That's good. Uh, I guess.

G: Yeah, fuck you, fucker. I'm a benevolent god.

L: Is that it then?

G: One last thing, actually. If you don't quit it with the sex and the drugs and occasionally the rock and/or roll, you're going to hell.

L: I AM?!

G: Ha ha, no.

L: Phew.

G: No, you're going to hell because of these shit-ass awful updates. I swear to myself, Wheaton and Butter? The fuck were you on?

L: DRUGS!

G & L: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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