This is what I found in the box. Strange.

Needles to say, I must have spent a good three hours putting together my brand spanking new desk. Boy, let me tell you, THAT WAS FUN! The first few pages were good, and then it turned into one of those people that point at the Big and Tasty Meal at McDonald's and then say "Cheese" and expect you to know what they mean. Oh, right, you want cheese. Sure no problem. Finally three minutes later the person throws a big fit and says "NO! CHEESE!". The instructions were very similar, but didn't ask for any cheese to assemble the unit. Thankfully.

In turn, all that thought about "Where the hell does this go?" got me thinking, "Did they always have to go through this crap with furniture back in the day?" The answer to this question is most likely no. Ha! How about that! I answered my own question! I bet you wish you were as smart as me to be able to answer your very own questions that you yourself asked. Of course you asked these yourself, who else would have?

After thinking that question up all by myself, and then waiting about three hours to think of something else to write (which you are reading right this moment) I came up with another question: Just what are these people smoking when they write these instructions? Either they were high or Vicks VapoRub when they decided to write them, or they are simply mentally impaired. Either one works out for me. I like the Vicks VapoRub scenario better because it's almost not possible. Another three hours or so later I started coming up with some (what I thought are/were) reasons as to why they are written the way that they are. I really truly am sorry about them not being funny or being offensive to you, but go snort some Vicks Vapo rub if you don't like it - you'll enjoy it.

Why Instructions Never Make Sense

Look at all that shelf space!!! It's shelf space BONANZA!!!

Christopher Lowell
Most likely you've seen this "totally wacko!" man on the Discovery Channel if you're for some reason not in work like you should be so you don't have to deal with this "totally wacko!" man that is named Christopher Lowell. You might happen to know him from taking a few days off from work and unfortunately stumbled across his show once or twice. If you've ever stopped for about a half second to watch and listen to him, you'll notice that he really gets worked up about curtains and shelf space. (Speaking of which, I need more shelf space! Chris, do you think you can help a fellow Chris out with some much needed shelf space?! I can provide you with PICTURES!!!) What you didn't know is that as a second job he likes to write instructions for furniture of all sorts. Like I said, he gets excited when he's talking about shelf space. So the more shelves the more confusion is within the instructions. It's as simple as that - no shelf space, no confusion, more shelf space, more confusion!

Sweat Shops
The American Economy is not doing to well at this point. People are worried about yet another recession within a recession, and generally all hell breaking loose causing all furniture in the United States to catch fire and then needing to be replaced. This, in turn, causes a mass panic in sweat shops all around Asia and any other countries that I don't know about since it's too small and the name is simply too long to remember. Panic then leads to more confusion in the already English lacking factories that produce these fine pieces of "art". This is why when you read some instructions it looks something like "use hammer to fasten screws into glass until firm and tight" instead of "screw the screws into piece B". Horrible. No wonder why some of them only get a few pennies to do what they do. Maybe if they put more time and effort into them they'll make a few nickels an hour!

Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll
Ok, forget about the sex and rock and roll. They have nothing to do with this. Sorry to get your hopes up while wishing for some hot sex story or free MP3s. Only drugs help derive some of the text that is supposed to be printed within the instructions of many pieces of furniture - Not sex and rock and roll. Who would want to sit around all day and write instructions on how to do things all day? I'll tell you who: teenagers! Teenagers would be willing to do that. We all know how much they like their meth and dope, so they go ahead and buy more of the stuff when they get paid from writing gibberish on paper. Apparently some of the workers take the term "relax while working" a little too seriously and take it to a new level by smoking something on the job. Nothing new, however. They smoke at school, why not on the job as well?

Did I also fail to mention to you that when you purchase a desk at Wal-Mart they like to SPAM you as well? Apparently while on the way out were putting neon-colored fliers on people's car windows because they thought they would make a quick buck or two.

Click to see the big piece of bacon I got off the pig spammer!

Oh the joys of even LOOKING at the public! It's almost as bad as dealing with the internet on a daily basis.

Uh... almost. I think.

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