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| Rolling Into Damnation |
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| Jan 15, 2006 at 09:05 PM | |||||||
 
Lacerda, News CorrespondentJust when you think you finally have life figured out and you know what's going on, things spin around 180, and you're left dizzied and confused. As it turns out, Jack Chick was right all along. For those of you who are unaware, Jack Chick is the industrious soul who pumps out comic after comic endlessly and tirelessly, much like my 10th grade drama teacher did with children. Chick's comics teach us of the proper way to interpret the biblical writings of Jesus and His pals, and that no matter how good we are, it doesn't matter if we don't believe in Jesus and the gang. We're still going to hell. But that's not what I'm talking about when I say he was "right all along" - I'm no expert in theology, or anything else for that matter, so I'll leave that debate to those more skilled in that particular venue than I. Or, at least until I decide I want to do an article about that subject, in which case I will become an expert virtually overnight. No, I'm talking about Jack Chick's views regarding Dungeons and Dragons, a popular role-playing game. Let me explain what this is, exactly. Dungeons in Dragons, founded in the early 1970s by Gary Gygax and the Other Guy, was the first successful game of the role-playing genre, called so because people pretend to be someone else (they're playing a role!). It was a very popular pastime indeed, considering how many losers there are to play this sort of game. You'd think "Suicide Scramble" would be a better sell among these filthy role-players, but there you are. I can't fathom the way their perverted minds operate.
Anyway, as Jack Chick has informed us on multiple occasions, especially in the excellent and stunningly accurate comic "Dark Dungeons", this game is one of pure evil and corrupts the spirit of the young and drives people to juvenile delinquency and drinking and drug use and miniature painting. How, you ask? Simple. I'll break it down point by point, and allow you to glimpse the horror:
What could be more un-Christian than the vice of gambling? This entire game is based around dice, even going so far as to model the whole thing on the "d20 System", d20 being a die with 20 sides, "d" standing for "die", which is the singular of the plural "dice" and 20 being the number after 19 but before 21. In this game, these dice are rolled to determine the outcome of various actions, every roll like a bet to see what happens! Here's a brief example: "Ok, Greg, let's see if Azazel WindriderStormkiller can successfully sleep with that whore! Roll for initiative!" (A "d20" is rolled, and the result is 16, a relatively high number on this scale from 1 to 20 plus conditional modifiers) "Hey, you did it! Now make a fortitude save, DC 18! You also got gonorrhea! " Scandalous! How about another example of deviancy at its worst?
"Hey, DungeonMaster, I want to try eating the bible and then killing my parents." Sick, sick gamers. Raping their parents. Maybe YOUR parents. Or YOU.
In this horrid game, not only is hell present, but there are nine of them! The Nine Hells! Think of that! Nine! Some psychopathic freak designer of this game was masturbating to pictures of naked elves and then he says something like "One hell isn't enough, we need nine times the damnation!" and then he goes and creates eight more hells! What sort of sick person does this? The Devil's presence in the "gameworld" is nine times what it should be! How can his evil ways not be influencing the players in some insidious way, when there's nine times the devilish exposure? Nine!
Dungeons and Dragons has all sorts of races, like elves and goblins and dwarves and fairies and marmosets and things. And they all live around each other and talk to each other and get along for the most part. This is a slap in the face of GOD! Every good and wholesome person knows that different people should not be together, because God made them different for a reason. That reason may be completely unclear and hidden, and seemingly nonsensical, but He works in mysterious ways and you shouldn't question what God says because it might be some sort of test like that whole Job thing and then you'd be pretty screwed, wouldn't you? That's what I thought. Stay away from those bastard gnomes, too, cause they'll eat your babies and they control the entertainment industry.
If you ask most gamers how to win at Dungeons and Dragons, they'll sneer, push their scotch-taped glasses up their greasy noses, and say something like "There is no 'goal' of the game, it's not about winning, it's just for entertainment." Hogwash! Who ever heard of a game where there's no clear winner? Do you know what a bunch of work with no one coming out on top sounds like to me? Communism! That's right, not only are gamers sexual deviants and Satanists, but they're also Commies! The Reds are in your basement gambling and conspiring to rape you and praying to the Devil times nine, and you sit idly by!
What You Can Do About It: Don't try to sell it, give it away, or hide it. Just burn it. Burn it good! You might as well burn all the books in the house while you're at it, save for the Bible. A good book burning doesn't come along too often, and it's best to take advantage while you can. Pile it all on the front lawn, and light it ablaze. Next, make sure to not listen to any evidence to the contrary that your child will try to push on you. If he or (almost impossibly) she gives you reasons this article is wrong, don't listen to them. Checking facts only wastes valuable children-saving time. Send your child to bible camp, but make sure it's run by counselors that sleep in the same room as your children to ensure that they don't try their gaming at night when they think no one is watching. If all goes well, your child should forget about this "role-playing" nonsense by the end of the summer, and be able to focus on real-world concerns of teenagers, like impregnating girls or getting in drunken car accidents. Amen! Anyway, hopefully no one is dead stupid enough to believe that I was at all serious in that article, but for those of you who are that dumb, I'm sure you'll enjoy this WEB COMIC! Web comics are exciting, never dull, and always hilarious! Also, I think I've used up my allotment of sarcasm for this week, so I guess I'm done. Here it is, “The Guide to Language on the Internet”:
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